I had Chinese food for dinner tonight (mistake). It came with two fortune cookies. I decided to eat one, and this is what it said.

Smile if you like this fortune cookie.

Seriously? That is not a fortune. That’s just dumb, and it kind of made me want to spit the fortune cookie out in anger at it’s complete unoriginal-ness. Instead, I crumbled the second half of fortune cookie #1 in my hand, threw it in the bag of garbage, and cracked open fortune cookie #2.

To think, I only opened the second fortune cookie because the first one was so stupid, and it said this.

Moderate your appetite so that with a little you are content.

Um, on what planet is that appropriate to say to someone who just wolfed down six pieces of crab rangoon and half an order of sweet and sour chicken with pork fried rice?

I’ll be honest. I was hoping for a fortune a little more along the lines of, “You will succeed in having your traffic ticket dismissed at court tomorrow” or “You will become a filthy rich millionaire within the year.”

I would have even settled for, “People are intimidated by your vast intelligence.” Instead I get, “Smile about your cookie” and “Don’t get fat.” That doesn’t even make any sense.

Thanks for nothing.

This crazy trip has got me feelin’: unimpressed
And I’m singin’ along to: F*ck You – Cee-Lo Green