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On Repeat: Dave Matthews Band

Things have been a little ridiculous lately. I wonder how many times I’ve said that. I sound like a broken record. Maybe I secretly like things ridiculous? I must. I’m so busy, and so exhausted, and so wrapped up in this project at work, but most of the time I’m so excited about it. It’s a little bit of a roller coaster — good moments and bad. One minute someone is thanking me. The next someone could be insinuating a decision I influenced six months ago might doom the whole company. Fortunately, it usually turns out that’s not really the case.

Today had its ups and downs. A thunderstorm woke me up at 3:30 am, and I never quite made it back to sleep, so I was tired. I’m still tired. I should go to sleep. After I post this — and my (late) resolution update — I will. In a training this morning 40 people gave me a round of applause for exhibiting all of the company values. I didn’t really know what to say. That was really cool. I almost cried. A few minutes later in the bathroom, I saw what my hair looked in the mirror — a messy braid with pieces falling out all over. I almost cried again. For the opposite reason. Totally not cool. 🙂

When I got home tonight, I did cry. For a few minutes. Then I laughed. At myself. For being ridiculous. I was so tired, all I wanted to do was go to bed. I went for a run instead. I’ve been running almost every night for three weeks. In the hopes of wearing this dress to my friend’s wedding tomorrow night. I haven’t been able to zip it up, so I figured tonight was my last chance. I ran out to the beach. I saw a cloud that looked like a mermaid. I saw some pelicans. And a helicopter. I saw the ocean. I saw all kinds of people out and about with their friends having fun and relaxing. I was a little jealous, so I almost cried again. And I thought, “What the hell is wrong with me?” But I kept running.

Then this song came on, and I smiled as I ran along the water’s edge. Because I remembered no one is forcing me to work this hard. I’m doing it because I wanted to. Because I want to now. Because even if I’m sometimes mentally exhausted to the point where I can’t even think straight, I’m doing something important. That I really enjoy. And that makes me happy. And I ran home, and I did some more work, and I smiled when I accomplished a few things.

Before I came upstairs, I walked into the living room, and I read the little sign on my mantel that Tina gave me for my 30th birthday. “Do the thing you love more than anything in life,” it says. “You might become a bit unpredictable, and sometimes cranky, but you will be happier than you ever imagined possible.” Well. Okay, then. Maybe I’m not crazy after all.

After I took a shower, I tried on the dress. Like I’ve done every night before bed for the last three weeks. Even though it never zips. But this time it did zip! So perhaps I’ll get to wear it to that wedding after all. Will it zip tomorrow? I have no idea. Maybe I should sleep in it. Maybe I’ll be more comfortable in my backup dress. Either way, I’m going to say mission accomplished. On all accounts. So far.

Oh, and good night. I’ll post that resolution thing over the weekend. 🙂

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