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The Prospect of After-Work Surfing

By e-mails, extreme sports, skills No Comments

To: Chris
From: Lisa
Sent: Monday, June 18, 2007  10:05 a.m.

I have no idea what “Small short period wind waves” means.

Or what “Best Tide: High at North End, low incoming at 48th Street south” means.

But, I sort of think it means “You can try to go surfing at 6pm at 47th Street, but keep your fingers crossed because you’ll be lucky if there’s one wave big enough to surf on and you probably won’t catch it.”


To: Lisa
From: Chris
Sent: Monday, June 18, 2007  10:05 a.m.

That’s close.


To: Chris
From: Lisa
Sent: Monday, June 18, 2007  10:07 a.m.

I have good contextual inference skills.

Similes & Metaphors

By e-mails, lists, literary devices No Comments

To: Lisa
From: Amy
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2007, 2:39 PM
Subject: (no subject)

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Amy’s Resolution

By e-mails One Comment

To: Lisa and Corinne
From: Amy
Date: 1/17/2007
Subject: Deep thoughts from amy…
Body: So…I know I don’t have any new year’s resolutions…but I was thinking I could try one..

If I stop flushing the toilet BEFORE I pee….i can save a lot of water.

I pee 10 times a day at work.  At 2 gallons per flush that’s 20 gallons a day….100 gallons per week… and 5,200 gallons per year wasted.  

It’s going to be hard to break the habit and I’ll need your support.