Category

e-mails

Christmas Wrapping

By | e-mails, holiday fun, music | One Comment

To: J
From: Lisa
Subject: Song?
Sent: Fri, Nov 18, 2011 2:55 PM

Do you think you could download me The Waitresses Christmas Wrapping song? Because I think I might die if I can’t listen to it 19,586 times this holiday season. I heard it today all the way through for the first time in two years, and I am determined to hear it in its entirety several more times before December 26. =)

The Week in E-mails, Etc.

By | e-mails, hazards to my well-being, partying like a rock star, weather | 3 Comments

To: J
From: Lisa
Sent: Mon, Aug 22, 2011 10:37 AM
Subject: Crabs

Tina’s crab fest is on September 10 at 4pm. Put on your calendar. =)

To: Lisa
From: J
Sent: Mon, Aug 22, 2011 10:38 AM
Subject: Re: Crabs

Ok. Does she want that lady’s #?

To: J
From: Lisa
Sent: Mon, Aug 22, 2011 10:42 AM
Subject: Re: Crabs

Yes.

To: Lisa
From: J
Sent: Mon, Aug 22, 2011 11:16 AM
Subject: Re: Crabs

The oldest dude in my fantasy football league just suggested we have our draft @ a “gentleman’s club.” lol

To: J
From: Lisa
Sent: Mon, Aug 22, 2011 11:45 AM
Subject: Re: Crabs

Like a strip club? How are you supposed to do a draft in a strip club? That’s really stupid. You either do sports OR strippers, but I think doing both at the same time is overkill.

To: Lisa
From: J
Sent Mon, Aug 22, 2011 12:57 PM
Subject: Re: Crabs

No idea, it will slow it down even more. Apparently hooters is his other suggestion. It’s much easier when it’s at someone’s house.

Did you notice the weight of the package with the dog bowls? 9.3 lbs??

To: J
From: Lisa
Sent: Mon, Aug 22, 2011 2:27 PM
Subject: Re: Crabs

9.3 lbs? And isn’t Hooters a little loud for a draft? It usually takes you forever…would you be eating wings the whole time? Could be bring me an order of medium boneless ones back with ranch and curly fries w/cheese sauce? Becuase I like those, but that Hooters near Oceana is trashy.

To: Lisa
From: J
Sent: Mon, Aug 22, 2011 2:29 PM
Subject: Re: Crabs

Yes. Yes. No. Yes. I agree.

To: Lisa
From: Mom
Sent: Tues, Aug 23, 2011 1:12 PM
Subject: Hurricane

Looks like you might be getting that storm this weekend…they think it could become a Category 4 and hit Hatteras and the Outer Banks. That means a big storm for you. Let me know what you are planning to do. You should plan on getting out by Thursday or Friday. Let me know.

The weather channel says get your emergency kit together now. Radio, batteries, water, cash, gas in the car.

To: Mom
From: Lisa
Sent: Tues, Aug 23, 2011 2:26 PM
Subject: Re: Hurricane

Yeah, if I don’t get taken out by a fucking earthquake before then.

To: Tina
From: Lisa
Sent: Wed, Aug 24, 2011 9:23 AM
Subject: Natural Disasters

I thought I was losing my mind last night around 8pm because I felt motion sickness and thought we were having another earthquake. And again in the middle of the night I woke up nauseous and thought J’s blinds were swaying a tiny, tiny bit. I was like, “STOP FREAKING OUT – YOU’RE AN IDIOT.”

Turns out I’m not crazy.

http://earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquakes/recenteqsus/Quakes/se082411b.php

http://earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquakes/recenteqsus/Quakes/usc0005ivl.php

To: Heather
From: Lisa
Sent: Wed, Aug 24, 2011 10:22 AM
Subject: Hurricane Party

What are your weekend plans? Are you going to evacuate or do you want to come over? I started my shopping list for supplies: candles, batteries, water, ice, beer, Clue, Scrabble, and Yahtzee. John says he can charge iPods and cell phones for up to four days on his UPSs (uninterrupted power supplies).

To: Mom
From: Lisa
Sent: Wed, Aug 24, 2011 10:30 AM
Subject: Re: Hurricane

Looks like YOU might be getting that storm this weekend. Better pack your shit. HURRY!! HURRY!!!!!!! Make sure you stock up on batteries and Skinny Girl Margaritas!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

And if you evacuate, you better take my turtle with you. I don’t want him to drown.

To: Lisa
From: Heather
Sent: Wed, Aug 24, 2011 10:32 AM
Subject: Re: Hurricane Party

I am not evacuating…. I am not convinced it will hit us. I do need to find a cute outfit to wear my rainboots with though- so I will need your help!! 😉 What should I wear them with that would be cute!?

I hope we can play some board games!!! Wooo hooo! I do love me some hurricane parties!! 🙂

To: Heather
From: Lisa
Sent: Wed, Aug 24, 2011 10:39 AM
Subject: Re: Hurricane Party

Denim cutoffs, rain boots, button-up shirt and sunglasses to protect your eyes from sideways rain. Then let’s head to the beach and take some ridiculous windblown photos. I was thinking about bringing my Jimmy Buffett tailgating decorations to J’s house and hanging them all over the house to be festive, but just in case a window shatters, I don’t want all my inflatable palm trees to blow away. 😉

To: Lisa
From: Heather
Sent: Wed, Aug 24, 2011 11:57 AM
Subject: Re: Hurricane Party

Prob heading to the mall at lunch to look for cutoffs!

To: Lisa
From: Heather
Sent: Wed, Aug 24, 2011 1:15 PM
Subject: Re: Hurricane Party

I got some cut-offs and knee socks- hope the shorts fit!!

To: Heather
From: Lisa
Sent: Wed, Aug 24, 2011 2:27 PM
Subject: Re: Hurricane Party

Did you just seriously go buy an outfit to wear for a hurricane?

To: Michelle
From: Lisa
Sent: Wed, Aug 24, 2011 2:49 PM
Subject:

What are you doing?

To: Lisa
From: Michelle
Sent: Wed, Aug 24, 2011 2:57 PM
Subject: Re:

Dealing with EtQ//. Why

To: Michelle
From: Lisa
Sent: Wed, Aug 24, 2011 3:02 PM
Subject: Re:

I was going to write a blog post entitled “The Week in E-mails” and was hoping you would respond with something more entertaining than that.

To: Kristen
From: Lisa
Sent: Thu, Aug 25, 2011 9:44 AM
Subject: Hurricane

I’m trying to be prepared and make at least a few hurricane plans that don’t involve mixed drinks, beer and boardgames by candlelight. Mind if I flee to your house if we need to get away from the beach? =)

To: Lisa
From: Kristen
Sent: Thu, Aug 25, 2011 11:03 AM
Subject: Re: Hurricane

Oh absolutely!! Mi casa es su casa! We’ll prob be hunkered down all weekend now that we’re not going out of town. I may still have to run up to Richmond on Sunday eve but that’s up in the air.

Just keep me posted!

To: Kristen
From: Lisa
Sent: Thu, Aug 25, 2011 11:30 AM
Subject: Re: Hurricane

Sweet. Now at least I feel like I have some sort of evacuation plan AND I even reviewed all of my insurance policies, so now I can continue with my normal irresponsible behavior — like stocking up on wine, Chef Boyardee, pineapple-scented candles, Scrabble and Clue. =)

To: Co-worker
From: Lisa
Sent: Thu, Aug 25, 2011 1:45 PM
Subject: Ummm…

This doesn’t look very appealing…
http://www.weather.com/maps/news/atlstorm9/truvu15_large.html

@lisadenoia contemplating a timely escape… #irene
25 Aug

Lisa DeNoia It’s official. I’m getting the hell out of here. Be safe!
25 Aug

Thanks to Pippa

By | conversations, e-mails, employment, fashion statements, hazards to my well-being, life-changing purchases, ruling at life, the coastal chicster, you might learn something | No Comments

06292011_006
{click here to read about my new purse. or stay here to find out how it contributed to my productivity at work today}

I’ve got a folder set up in Outlook at work where hundreds of purchase orders have been piling up that I need to redact before sending them on to someone else. It’s a temporary situation that I volunteered for so that I could double-check the accuracy of the documents before I forward them on, and I was keeping my fingers crossed that a cluster of them this large wouldn’t come along quite so soon (as in, not until I can pass this task off to its rightful owner). Unfortunately, I wasn’t that lucky.

Anyway, redacting PDFs isn’t so bad…if you have Acrobat Professional, which features a redaction tool. If you don’t have Acrobat Pro (which I don’t have on my work computer), then you need to get creative. You can’t just draw a text box over proprietary info (contrary to popular belief) because people can still highlight the text beneath, copy it, and paste it somewhere they can read it. What you need to do is place a text box (or multiple text boxes); then save the PDF; then examine it for hidden objects; then remove hidden objects; then save it again. It takes about four minutes per PDF, give or take depending on how many text boxes you need to draw. Pretty much the most inefficient thing ever, since a redaction tool does, in fact, exist in Acrobat Pro.

At four minutes per file with 128 files in my Inbox, I was looking at a little over eight hours of work…redacting PDFs.

I asked our IT department if we had any spare licenses for Acrobat Pro, but no such luck. I reluctantly began dragging the 128 files from my e-mail to a folder on the server. Then I sighed as a started renaming them. Then it dawned on me.

1. I’m not renaming 128 files. I’m combining them into one PDF.

2. I might have Acrobat Pro on my netbook.

3. My netbook is in my purse.

I ripped that netbook out of its case, turned it on, and sure enough, there was Acrobat Pro! Yesssss! I love having a computer genius for a boyfriend.

It took me about 25 minutes to redact the files and move on with my life.

“Did you already redact all those files?” someone asked.

“Yup.”

“Are you serious? How long did it take you?”

“Well, thanks to Pippa Middleton, it only took me about 25 minutes. I seriously thought it was going to take eight hours. Don’t tell anyone,” I stated.

“Pippa Middleton?”

“Mmmhmm. You see, if it weren’t for Pippa Middleton, I wouldn’t have discovered this purse. And if I didn’t have this purse, I wouldn’t be carrying this netbook around. And if I didn’t have this netbook, I wouldn’t have access to a redaction tool. And without that, this redundant task would have taken for. ev. er. So yeah. Thank Pippa,” I said.

“Well, okay then.”

This crazy trip has got me feelin’:  productive
And I’m singin’ along to: Show Goes On – Lupe Fiasco

Can You Repeat That One More Time?

By | e-mails, employment, hazards to my well-being, top notch communication blunders | 3 Comments

Whenever people start hovering around my desk at work, haphazardly asking me questions and telling me what to do, they begin to stress me out. My latest approach to this is to lean back in my chair, cross my arms, dramatically clear my throat, and say, “Okay. You’re driving me crazy. Back away from my desk, and line up against the wall in height order.”

I like this particular reaction because if I say it with a straight face in a sort of low-volume monotone, it really catches people off guard, which secretly entertains me. Plus, it usually does result in everyone shutting up and getting out of my personal space for a few minutes.

It’s possible this no-nonsense behavior on my part could be a direct result of my constant participation in and lack of amusement about several recent interactions similar to the below e-mail exchange.

To: Lisa
From: B
Sent: Monday, March 28, 4:26 p.m.

Subject: FW: Orders 5**9 and 5**8

I don’t know how to respond to this.

B.
__________________________________
To: B
From: S
Sent: Monday, March 28, 4:23 p.m.

Subject: RE: Orders 5**9 and 5**8

Quote 5****7 is good to go. What is the other quote #?

S.

__________________________________
To: S
From: B
Sent: Monday, March 28, 3:58 p.m.

Subject: Orders 5**9 and 5**8

Hey S.,

Can you go into both of these quotes (5****3 & 5****7) and change the bill-to address to the customer’s address? Right now it’s our address. Please send me the revised quotes once this is done.

Thank you,
B.

YES! Let’s bill ourselves for someone’s order!

Oh, and sure, we’ll send you that other quote number. What’s your e-mail address again?

This crazy trip has got me feelin’: silly
And I’m singin’ along to: She Moves In Her Own Way – The Kooks

Peace, Love & Document Control

By | being a computer genius, e-mails, employment, skills | One Comment

20101030_009

I keep losing my work ID badge, so I finally decided to slip it into the lanyard with my Nerd Herd ID from Halloween and start wearing it around my neck. I don’t mind wearing my Nerd Herd badge all day because I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that I am, in fact, a huge nerd.

For example, last week at work, someone said to me, “I heard you’re really good at designing forms.”

I’m not really sure how I feel about this. Is that my claim to fame? I’m good at designing forms?

It is true that I designed a form that replaced six other sheets of paper that now accompanies every order that is processed in our company, but I was just trying to save trees.

I’ve always striven to be infamous for my overwhelmingly short-lived obsessions with random hobbies, rock star bangs and impeccable taste in music, purses and cheap champagne. At work, maybe my proposal management, writing, or mad computer skills. But certainly not my ability create forms.

Someone once said to me (right after I created the end-all-be-all of my company’s forms), “You should work for the IRS!” Oh, yes! Can I? I would fit right in there! 😐

Perhaps, though, it’s all the other things I’m good at that have culminated in my evolution as a form-creating genius. Examples:

  • Nosiness about what everyone else is doing = ability to create meaningful check boxes for more than five departments
  • Excellent writing skills = enthusiasm about paring down hundreds of words into clear, concise phrases
  • Graphic design tendencies = ability to fit more information than you’d ever think possible onto one sheet of paper
  • Appreciation for ISO 9001:2008 = dedication to continuously improving, updating, revising, and controlling the form in our document control system
  • Certain enjoyment about telling people what to do = the utmost in patience when I explain how to use the form to everyone who needs to use it
  • Diplomatic negotiation skills = willingness to incorporate all reasonable suggestions into future revisions of the form
  • Rockstar bangs = I’m cool even though I’ve pretty much just admitted that designing a form has been the apex of my professional career thus far
  • My sarcastic sense of humor = my witty e-mails to the entire company that say stuff like:

To: Everyone
From: Lisa
Date: Any Given Friday
Time: 4:59 pm

Subject: [Name of Form] Form Revision G

Hi everyone! Revision G of the [Name of Form] Form is now in effect. Please destroy all copies of Revision F. All orders turned in starting now must be accompanied by Revision G. I sent out several reminders this week, so please don’t call me in tears about your form, and have a great weekend!

Peace, love and document control,
Lisa

Now that I think about it, this might be why people at work don’t call me to hang out on the weekends. Maybe.