If you…

If you think you can move to the desert and moisturize less than three times per day, you are wrong.

If you think you can find a job in Las Vegas in less than one week just because there are so many jobs here, you are also wrong.

If you own a Home Depot and you think it is acceptable to play love songs constantly in your store, you are extremely wrong.

If you are driving a green SUV from Colorado in Las Vegas and you think it’s a good idea to cut me off on Flamingo, you are damn wrong.

If you clicked on that link to try to see an Osama video and infected your poor computer with tons of spyware even though I nicely warned you not to, you are an idiot.

If you are a hamster and you have opted to discontinue boisterous nocturnal activities due to the removal of your exercise wheel, you are damn lucky because you won’t have to worry about me contemplating flushing you down the toilet tonight.

If you think I would actually consider taking my clothing off for money and/or do not believe that I was joking about it on my away message, and if you actually IMed me to say so, you have some serious issues.

If you are a security gate attendant and you think that a Jersey girl won’t bite your head off for not being cooperative about her having to get home to change into some running clothes after a long day of fruitless job-searching just because of an expired visitor’s pass, you are in for a big surprise.

Oh, and if you think I would really flush that stupid rat down the toilet, you are just sick. It may be loud, but it’s furry and cute and it sleeps in a little plastic TV.