not ruling at life

I’ll stand up later.

By conversations, hazards to my well-being, holiday fun, not ruling at life, technological enigmas No Comments

My back hurts, so I went to get a pedicure yesterday at lunch just to sit in the massage chair, and that felt awesome. While I was there, I read this article about how people are shortening their life expectancies by sitting on their asses all day, which I can totally relate to right now because my freaking back has been killing me the past week or so. I’m not sure if it’s from sitting down all day, but I’m positive it’s not from performing any strenuous exercise because I certainly haven’t made any time for that recently.

The article went on to explain that people are suffering from serious neck injuries from looking down at their phones for prolonged periods of time. Interesting. Not really. If someone is dumb enough to look down at their phone until they feel like someone is  stabbing them in the neck (as stated in said article), that person might deserve to spend a few days in bed looking at the ceiling, pondering the meaning of life. (Real life, not battery life.)

One reason I don’t look down at my phone all day is that I know for a fact that my phone is not smarter than me. Sorry, Google. The Android is a nifty piece of work, but it’s not smarter than me. Neither is your e-mail service for that matter.

Take this, for instance.

The page at says: Did you mean to attach files? You wrote “is attached” in your message, but there are no files attached. Send anyway?

Lisa responds: Get a grip, Google. There was a time when people used terminology like the word “attached” to describe something other than digital files linked to an e-mail. Some of us who exercise the full extent of our vocabularies on a regular basis continue to use the word to describe tangible objects, such as the sleeves of this Halloween costume being attached to the vest. Stop reading my f-ing mail, you nosy pain-in-the-ass. And, yes, I want to send anyway. If I didn’t want to send, I wouldn’t have clicked the “send” button, genius.

Another reason I don’t look down at my phone all day is that I know for a fact I cannot walk in a straight line, especially if I am not paying attention to where I’m going. Since I’m already losing precious minutes of life expectancy by working at a desk and staring at a computer, I should at least try not to get run over, you know?

Anyway, I can’t say that I learned much from the article. The article recommended that every hour you get up from your desk and walk around, but isn’t that a given? I mean if you’re drinking your recommended six t0 eight glasses of water per day, shouldn’t you technically need to get up and walk somewhere every hour or so?  (By the way, it’s also recommended that you floss once a day, wear your seat belt, and quit smoking — in case you hadn’t heard.)

I think it’s pretty much common sense that you should sit, stand and lay down in equal increments every day. So that means once leave the office after an eight-hour work day, I should walk around for eight hours straight, and then go to bed, right?

Nah. That can’t be right. Then when would I watch Gossip Girl?

I would say that means I should walk on a treadmill while I watch Gossip Girl, but the thing is…even though the TV screen is larger than the phone, I doubt staring at it would really be much different than the phone while I’m walking, so it’s possible that I would fall off the treadmill, resulting in further injury to my back.

Or not. But I can’t afford a treadmill anyway — no money, no space. Actually, I do have a little money, but I’d rather spend that on a purse. Or a Halloween costume.

In the meantime, I’m going to go relax slowly, but surely kill myself by attaching myself to the couch and rotting my brain with some quality television programming.

This crazy trip has got me feelin’: achy
And I’m singin’ along to: Can’t Go Back Now – The Weepies

Kung Pao Decision Making

By food, hair care, not ruling at life One Comment

I’ve been putting off my hair appointment for several weeks now. I think I’ve cancelled and rescheduled at least three times over the last four weeks, which isn’t exactly beneficial for my roots. The reason for my hesitation is that for the first time in several years, I can’t decide what I want to do with my hair. Do I want to add red lowlights? Chop a few inches off? Grow out the bangs?

My indecision is having a hazardous effect on my split-ends, so the time has come. I’m determined to keep my appointment on Saturday morning, and I’ve finally decided on the exact future length of my hair.

It appears I’ve been looking for haircut inspiration in all the wrong places because after all these weeks of waffling, the decision was made quite instantaneously over a styrofoam container of Kung Pao Chicken the other day. I was innocently enjoying my meal (at my desk) when a section of my hair fell forward from behind my shoulder and landed directly into a sticky pool of sauce in the open lid of my container. Yum.

I rushed to lick the sauce off  my hair blot my ends with a napkin and promptly secured my obviously-too-long layers into a bun with a Bic pen (a classy office look?).

As I finished up my lunch, I realized I forgot to grab a fortune cookie. Then I realized that my Chinese food had predicted my future after all. I took my hair down and made mental note of exactly how many inches of hair were rock-hard, stuck together and coated in Kung Pao Chicken sauce, then decisively stated out loud (since everyone cares), “I have finally figured out how short to cut my hair!” Yay.

In addition, I think I’ll opt for a few red lowlights because it just so happens that the color of my hair mixed with the reddish brown hue of Kung Pao Chicken sauce equals out to the approximate color of the red lowlights I got last time. Go figure.

In the meantime, I’ll be wearing my hair in a ponytail for all meals because I really don’t want to have to wash and blow-dry it again before Saturday morning.

This crazy trip has got me feelin’:  clumsy
And I’m singin’ along to: La donna è mobile – Placido Domingo

Back to Work

By being a computer genius, employment, hazards to my well-being, lists, not ruling at life No Comments

Disclaimer: I know I don’t regularly update this blog anymore, so let this serve as a brief reminder (or an important note to those of you who are new) that this blog is meant to be sarcastic and funny. Most of these stories are exaggerated for entertainment purposes.  Please do not take anything written here literally. 🙂

Returning to work after five days off used to be much more relaxing when less people e-mailed. Imagine my dismay when I had to get through approximately 873895728987 e-mails before I could even do my actual work (much less peruse online stores to see if I could find something I would have rather bought with that $600 I blew in New Jersey).

I don’t go through my e-mails like most people. Most people start at the top with the most recent e-mails and work their way down to the old ones, inevitably replying to all with dumb responses that have already been said in later messages related to that same topic. Or they actually check their e-mails on vacation, which is a huge faux pas, in my opinion. No, neither of those options are very suitable.

Because I am a self-certified computer genius, I know that the correct way to handle e-mails is as follows:

1. Delete everything from except for the most recent coupon – that you should print ( is the only website that sends promotional discounts to my work e-mail. I have no idea why – although it could be because that’s the e-mail I gave them – but I like it.)
2. Delete everything else that looks like junk mail
3. Sort by “From” – read everything from boss to make sure nothing has gone drastically wrong while you were gone.
4. Read everything else in sequential order.
5. Do not respond to any e-mail chains before reading all messages in said chain.
6. Respond to quick, easy requests first.
7. Make a list of more time-consuming requests and tackle in order of your preference.
8. Once complete, check voicemails. (I hate voicemails. Who leaves voicemails anymore? Don’t call me.)
9. Respond to all important voicemails with phone calls.
10. Respond to all voicemails that should have been e-mails with e-mails.

Usually this process takes me no more than three hours. Today it took freaking seven. How did I become so popular at work? Perhaps I should feel flattered that so many people need to talk to me while I’m away, but in all honesty? All I feel is tired. And kind of like I need another vacation.

This crazy trip has got me feelin’: drained
And I’m singin’ along to: Hammers and Strings (A Lullaby) – Jack’s Mannequin

Free Fall

By hazards to my well-being, not ruling at life No Comments

I fell in the elevator at work today. I wasn’t even moving. I was just standing there, kind of leaning against the wall, talking to my co-worker, and then – WHOA. I’m on the ground. (Laughing my ass off.)

As if that wasn’t enough, I followed that stunt up at lunch with a world-class nosedive into the condiment station at Chick-fil-a (M and I had VIP invitations for a free Spicy Chicken Sandwich). The floor was wet, and apparently my newest pair of Seychelles wedges don’t have much traction. Luckily I was able to aim myself at the condiment counter and break my fall with the tray I was carrying without tossing my sandwich or my Diet Coke onto the floor or my Nanette Lepore dress. (I’m even resourceful when I’m completely clumsy.)

All that falling made for quite and exhilarating day.

I think I’ll wear flip-flops tomorrow.

(How did I ever wait tables without spilling everything on everyone?)

This crazy trip has got me feelin’: clumsy
And I’m singin’ along to: Starseed – Our Lady Peace

The Pork Loin Dance

By food, not ruling at life One Comment

I purchased a pork loin at Kroger yesterday with every intention of cooking it for dinner this evening. I bothered my co-workers all day, interrogating them about ways to cook a pork loin because I really had no clue how to make it edible. I’m not sure why I even bought the damn thing, seeing as how I had no idea how I was planning to cook it. I guess I was just sick of chicken. All I ever cook is freaking chicken. Chicken stir-fry, grilled chicken, chicken pasta — chicken, chicken chicken! Aaaaah! I tried to order wahoo at a restaurant the other night, but it was overcooked, and even it reminded me of chicken.

So, I picked up this pork loin, and it was on sale. You know I can’t resist a sale. All of a sudden I was craving pork loin (despite the fact that it’s probably been so long since I’ve eaten a pork loin that I doubt I remember what one tastes like), so I put it in the cart and decided to fork over $5.84 for it. Random thoughts about how to cook it popped into my head all throughout the evening last night, but since I’m no pork loin expert, I decided I’d just wait until right before dinner tonight and look a recipe up on the Internet. Or I’d just ask around at work. I did actually ask around at work, but for some reason I wasn’t able to focus intently on anyone’s answer.

As you can probably guess, I didn’t end up cooking the pork loin. Out of the blue, I had this sudden urge to hit the gym after work (wish that would happen more often), and by the time I was done walking 3.5 miles per hour uphill at a five percent incline for 30 minutes and haphazardly lifting a few weights, I figured it was too late to cook the pork loin. I vaguely recalled someone saying something about it taking an hour or something. So, we had chicken. Popcorn chicken, to be exact. Frozen. From Costco. Delish. Really.

Maybe I’ll have the pork loin for dinner tomorrow night. Have any suggestions on how to prepare it? I probably should have left it where I found it. Most other people would have taken it as a sign when "The Chicken Dance" came on the radio in the grocery store. (Yes, that actually happened.)

Oh well.