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Ships are cool.

By boys, conversations, food, navy 5 Comments

So, if you had asked me this afternoon what I was doing later tonight, I bet I wouldn’t have said, “I’m going to hang out on the USS Barry for awhile — just to eat some Sonic and watch some Penn & Teller and stuff.”

Laurie took me on board to visit Grant for a bit. I felt really popular when knew the guy standing outside that gave us our little pink passes and went to get Grant for us. His name is Allen and I smoked his hookah in May.

After we watched Penn & Teller, Grant gave us a little tour of the ship — mostly because I had to go to the bathroom. He showed us where he works and we went outside and looked at some of the other ships. Then we had this conversation:

Grant: “So, now that you’ve seen the ship, you think you could live on this thing for six months?”

Lisa: “Eh, I guess it wouldn’t be that bad. It would depend on who else was on it. I bet it’s hard being a girl living on a ship for six months.”

Grant: “Yeah, a lot of girls just try to get knocked up so that they can get off the ship. They’d rather have a baby then stay on board.”

Lisa: “Well, I can tell you this much. If you offered me the option right now of getting pregnant or living on this ship for six months, I’d choose the ship. No questions asked and I wouldn’t even have to go home and pack.”

Visiting ships is fun. I’m glad I finally got to visit the Barry, and I love when random cool shit happens.

Submerged Displacement

By boys, navy, ruling at life 4 Comments

Nothing ever goes the way you planned, but it’s usually much cooler that way. For instance, Allison, Jenny and I were supposed to go see The Wedding Date tonight, but it was sold out. Instead I got to talk to a friend on IM that I haven’t talked to in a long time. Tom and I were supposed to go to Scott’s to drink a little and hang out, but I locked my keys in the Malibu while it was running at the convenience store where we went to buy beer. Allison brought the extra key out to me, and instead of going to Scott’s, Tom and I headed up to the Naval base to see his submarine. It was totally awesome. I got to climb down the ladder and see torpedoes and missiles and look out the periscope. I even got to see the toilet! After that, we should have gone home to bed, but we were hungry, so we shared some vandalism stories (don’t ask — his were worse than mine) over coffee, eggs, and a burger at the Waffle House.

I used to hate when things didn’t go exactly as planned, but I don’t anymore. I really love that feeling I have when I get to do something totally unexpected and crazy — like stand on top of a submarine at 1:30 in the morning with a pretty awesome friend.

By the way, did you know that Los Angeles class submarines displace 6,900 tons of seawater when submerged? Yeah, I bet you did.

Military humor

By e-mails, navy 8 Comments

A few years ago, I received an email from this Marine in my Communications Research class.  He wasn’t in the Corps of Cadets, but I swear, I never saw him wear anything but Marine Corps t-shirts the entire semester.  Anyway, he sent this email to the entire class, and I still have no idea why.  I saved it because I thought it was funny.  This is what it contained:

OATHS OF ENLISTMENT
All persons, on entering the Military Service, and also on re-enlistment, are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. However, due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has also under-gone marked changes and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Office of the Joint Chiefs of Staff:

US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, (state your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Air Force because I know I couldn’t hack it in the Army, the Marines frighten me, and I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to perform any real exercise, but promise to always defend our bike-riding test as a valid measure of physical fitness. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than the other branches of service, and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of my “Basic Training” I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazyboy-sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an honest effort to clean my knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!
Signature ____________________ Date _______________

US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn’t score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I’m not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won’t take me because I can’t swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can’t figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day, even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-5 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of Basic Training, I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Basic, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to “Company.” I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can’t pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!
Signature ____________________ Date _______________

US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to be one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too “corporate,” because I didn’t want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, “Hey, I like to swim… why not?” I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like “deck, bulkhead, ladder, cover, scuttlebutt, hatch, and head,” when I really mean “floor, wall, stairs, hat, water fountain, door, and toilet.” I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for thatmatter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound “colleagues.” So Help Me Neptune!
Signature ____________________ Date _______________

US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, (have someone recite your name for you), swear… …uhhhh…. high-and-tight……<grunt>….. cammies…. kill…..uhhhh……guns…..beer….and…uh…..women! HOORAH!
Signature ____________________ Date _______________