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High Flying, Annoyed

By airplanes/airports, breaking news, drama, financial wisdom, hazards to my well-being, lists, mortgage No Comments

Today, my mortgage company practically forced me to call Quicken Loans to discuss refinance options. I figured just doing what they said might be less of a waste of time than listening to their awful hold music for one more second, so I called. A customer service rep answered the phone, took down some of my information, and then explained why all of the options LBPS told me to ask about wouldn’t work.

“I know,” I said. “But they made me call.”

I then proceeded to ask a series of questions beginning with phrases like, Correct me if I’m wrong but and And isn’t it also true that and But those programs won’t help me because, to which the customer service rep responded, “Whoa. You know more about mortgages than anyone that even works here.”

Well, duh. That’s why I keep having to call you loony tunes over and over in the first place.

Moving on.

My friend told me this afternoon that a notification light was flashing on her dash, suggesting that she had a light bulb out. I told her I’d look around the car when we left work tonight, and she said, “It’s okay. My husband already looked. There aren’t any lights out.”

And I said, “I’ll look anyway. I’m smarter than him.” I found the busted light after one tap on the brakes.

In the meantime, it’s become evident that in their ongoing quest to improve the security at major airports, the U.S. government has taken up practices like sexual assault, nude photography, pedophilia, and might I say mildly terrorizing the general public before allowing them to board a plane. Perhaps their reasoning is that if more people are unwilling to fly at all, terrorists will be less likely to target planes?

I understand where they’re coming from but, here’s the thing. Whereas, no one was making much of a scene about avoiding air travel after that moron boarded a plane with explosives in his underpants last year, now people don’t want to fly because they don’t want Joe Schmoe TSA employee touching their “junk” or comparing the outline of their practically naked image to the next passenger’s. Nice.

In all honesty, I’m trying to be satirical here, but don’t take any of this too seriously because I haven’t formulated my complete opinion on this topic yet. I’m not really sure how I’ll cope with these changes in airport security procedures, and I’m going to put off figuring it out for as long as possible. I’ll tell you why.

1. I don’t want to be standing in line at security behind the belligerent idiot who won’t cooperate. I consider myself a pretty well-traveled person. I fly more than the average American in any given year, but the next time I’m scheduled to travel is around Christmas…along with a whole bunch of people who never fly. I’m simply not interested in navigating my way through the battle of the aggressive security personnel versus the defensive passengers. Not this year, anyway.

2. I don’t want to become the belligerent idiot who won’t cooperate. This is highly unlikely, but always possible. I never thought I’d smack a Russian bouncer upside the head at Lunasea for forcefully grabbing (and bruising!) my arm, but that happened once, so I can’t make any promises.

3. I don’t know if you know this or not, but it’s a pretty well-known fact (to me and my mom, anyway) that I am destined to become disgustingly rich and famous, and I don’t want to become the future victim of blackmail when some psychotic, disgruntled TSA employee threatens to  leak my body scan image online. (Yeah, they say they’re deleting them, but I’ve seen my boyfriend recover deleted images off my camera, so I don’t buy it. Besides, are you trying to tell me that if there is another underwear bomber, they won’t go back and review his body scan image to see what they missed?) I’ll be much hotter then, and I won’t want people mocking the naked-ish image of me in 2010. It’s true.

4. (This is the main reason.) I don’t want to get arrested (which I probably will — for punching that pat-down person in the face — because I don’t even let my co-workers hug me, much less allow strangers to stick their fingers down the waistband of my pants).

I guess what it really comes down to is this — if I have to choose between posing for nude photographs or being molested at the airport this holiday season, then I guess I just choose to drive home to New Jersey for Christmas. Sorry, Continental. It’s Wawa that will be profiting off of me this year.

Finally, in other less pressing and far more entertaining news, a mysterious blob was discovered in Newport News.

P.S. When I do become disgustingly rich and famous, I’ll just buy my own plane, and then this won’t be an issue.

This crazy trip has got me feelin’: grounded
And I’m singin’ along to: Like A G6 – Far East Movement

Back to Work

By being a computer genius, employment, hazards to my well-being, lists, not ruling at life No Comments

Disclaimer: I know I don’t regularly update this blog anymore, so let this serve as a brief reminder (or an important note to those of you who are new) that this blog is meant to be sarcastic and funny. Most of these stories are exaggerated for entertainment purposes.  Please do not take anything written here literally. 🙂

Returning to work after five days off used to be much more relaxing when less people e-mailed. Imagine my dismay when I had to get through approximately 873895728987 e-mails before I could even do my actual work (much less peruse online stores to see if I could find something I would have rather bought with that $600 I blew in New Jersey).

I don’t go through my e-mails like most people. Most people start at the top with the most recent e-mails and work their way down to the old ones, inevitably replying to all with dumb responses that have already been said in later messages related to that same topic. Or they actually check their e-mails on vacation, which is a huge faux pas, in my opinion. No, neither of those options are very suitable.

Because I am a self-certified computer genius, I know that the correct way to handle e-mails is as follows:

1. Delete everything from Borders.com except for the most recent coupon – that you should print (Borders.com is the only website that sends promotional discounts to my work e-mail. I have no idea why – although it could be because that’s the e-mail I gave them – but I like it.)
2. Delete everything else that looks like junk mail
3. Sort by “From” – read everything from boss to make sure nothing has gone drastically wrong while you were gone.
4. Read everything else in sequential order.
5. Do not respond to any e-mail chains before reading all messages in said chain.
6. Respond to quick, easy requests first.
7. Make a list of more time-consuming requests and tackle in order of your preference.
8. Once complete, check voicemails. (I hate voicemails. Who leaves voicemails anymore? Don’t call me.)
9. Respond to all important voicemails with phone calls.
10. Respond to all voicemails that should have been e-mails with e-mails.

Usually this process takes me no more than three hours. Today it took freaking seven. How did I become so popular at work? Perhaps I should feel flattered that so many people need to talk to me while I’m away, but in all honesty? All I feel is tired. And kind of like I need another vacation.

This crazy trip has got me feelin’: drained
And I’m singin’ along to: Hammers and Strings (A Lullaby) – Jack’s Mannequin

Kids vs. Kitties

By kona the kitty, lists, mele the kitty One Comment

I know people dislike it when I compare their kids to my cats. I know they do. I just can’t help it. There are some very striking similarities between young children and my cats, and I don’t mean these comparisons as an insult – they are simply my way to partake in a conversation that’s way over my head (since I don’t have any kids). You see?

Don’t get me wrong – I understand that there is much more than to raising kids than to maintaining a couple of furry kitties, but tell me these couple of things don’t hold any water at all.

1. You have to feed your kids, and it’s expensive. Well, I have to feed my cats, and they eat this all-natural, high-protein, grain-free food that’s freaking expensive.

2. You have to change your kids’ diapers, and I’m assuming that can be a little stinky. I have to clean my cats’ poops out of their litter box, and my cats are crap factories. A little stinky? Try extremely stinky!

3. Your kids sometimes whine about stuff and beg for snacks. Mele definitely whines and begs for snacks, too – just not with words.

4. Your kids try to get in your bed, and they get all nestled up in between you and your husband/wife, which can make shifting positions in your sleep very awkward. My cats jump in my bed and get all nestled up in and around my legs, creating an  immobility issue (unless I want to kick them in their heads, which I really don’t).

5. You need a babysitter for your kids if you leave the house without them. Well, I don’t need a sitter for a few hours, but if I leave town for a week, I have to find some poor unsuspecting soul to come over and scoop poop at least once.

6. Your kids have unique personalities, and they make you laugh. My cats have unique personalities, and they make me laugh.

7. You try to discipline your kids, and they don’t always listen. I try to discipline my cats and they never listen!

8. Your kids sometimes eat things that aren’t edible, and you also have to clean up after your kids when they make a mess. My cats eat insects and leave their dismembered legs on the living room carpet. Who do you think is cleaning that?

So, there you have it. In my world, my cats are just a little bit like your kids.

Catch a wave and you’re sittin’ on top of the world!

By concerts, fashion statements, fourth wave, lists, music No Comments

Have you heard the new Reel Big Fish song? Supposedly, “Party Down” has been playing on the radio sporadically on the West Coast. I say, skavoovie. Their new CD comes out July 10, and they’re touring with Less Than Jake and Streetlight Manifesto. If I have it my way, I’ll see them live three times this summer – Baltimore, Norfolk and Richmond. I can’t wait!

I’m sick of emo music. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that everyone else is, too. It could be the beginning of the fourth wave! I’m talking two-tone belts and skanking in the streets! Think about it – no more mushy, whiney crap on my iPod!

Here are the signs:
1. BOTAR is auditioning new musicians (including an oboe player…hmmm) and supposedly releasing a full-length album.
2. LTJ just released a new CD.
3. Streetlight Manifesto is supposed to release one soon.
4. RBF finally broke away from Jive records and is ready to have some fun.
5. The Pietasters and Buck-O-Nine are both releasing new albums in August!

Ska kids unite! Bring on the fourth wave!

(If you have no clue what a ska kid or a fourth wave is, please see the video below.)