Skip to main content


Uh oh, Fabio.

By conversations, fabio the hamster, little cousins 5 Comments

Aunt Kim: “Sam, you are not in bed.”

Sammy: “I KNOW.”

Uncle Franky: “Kim, look at this. Don’t touch it. It’s gonna get all over. Oh, look what you did. It looks like there’s an animal living in this house.”

Sammy: “Fobs IS an animal.”

Aunt Kim: “Oh! I’ll have to suck that up with the vacuum tomorrow. Sam, get to bed. Frank, give your daughter a kiss goodnight.”

Sammy: “Dad, are you gonna grow a mustache?”

Uncle Franky: “Why? You want me to?”

Sammy: “No.”

Uncle Franky: “I’m gonna feed Fabio to the cat.”

Lisa: “Can I have his TV?”

Proof of Improvement

By conversations, little cousins, partying like a rock star, ruling at life One Comment

My aunt woke me up this morning – “Lisa, Frank and I are going to take Franky to the baseball field.”

“Huh?” I rolled over and saw that it was 8 a.m.

“Yeah, there’s all this parade and pictures and stuff. I have to go to Rainbow and Oakey. Any suggestions?”

I stretched my arms over my head and made of of those I-just-woke-up sounds. “Hmm…I don’t know. Take Flamingo to Rainbow and make a left? Is it a left?”

“Did anyone tell you what happened last night? I left you a check. I made Kristin a hair appointment with the girl that cut your hair.”

“And me and Court are going outside to ride motor-scooters,” Sammy added.

“Oh yeah,” I said. “I know. Hair appointment. 2:30.” I yawned. “Try to lay off the horns on those damn things.”

“Right. How did you know?” Aunt Kim asked.

“Ummm…oh yeah, I saw Holly at the bar I went to last night,” I replied, still a bit groggy.

“Really? We had this problem with the oven last night. We were making the little pizzas and then Sammy looked into the oven to check on them and she says, ‘Mom! Fire in the oven!’ It wasn’t a fire, but the electricity was going crazy and we had to call the fire trucks and they brought in these big fans and sucked out all the smoke in the house. I can’t believe you saw the girl that’s cutting Kristin’s hair out last night.”

“Mmm. I know. My social life is just spiraling out of control now.”

The Big Squeeze

By conversations, fabio the hamster, little cousins, sims 8 Comments

Lisa: “Sammy! Would you be quiet for like five minutes? Does she ever shut up?”

Sam: “Guys, do you wanna take some pictures? Do you? How does this work? I took a video. See this rotten foot thing? See it. Look. Don’t you want to see this? Where is that button. Maybe if I just push this button. Mossaleena callakunia! Mossaleena! Should I try to — eehhhhhh — I’m taking a picture! Flashy flashy!”

Lisa: “Sammy! Shut up! Stop singing that Sim crap. If you don’t chill, you’re dad is going to come in here and kill that stupid Fabio in a bloody murder.”

Kristin: “Yeah, Sam. You better calm down and stop screaming.”

Sam: “Can I turn this on? Lisa, can I turn it on? Lisa. Lisa! Can I? Lisa, can I?”

Lisa: “Dude. Don’t you see that I’m not responding to you because I don’t want to hear your voice in my ear at the moment?”

Sam: “Is that a yes? Look! I turned it on. It’s amazing! It’s so amazing. Look. Look! Mossa–”

Lisa: “SHHH! If you wake him up, your dad is going to come in here and squeeze that stupid rat until its stomach pops up through its mouth and it’s little dookies are gonna come flying out of its nostrils. It’s gonna be gross. And you’re going to have to clean it up. Be quiet or you’ll be cleaning clumps of rat fat and fur off the walls and it will be nasty and it’ll take you a week to find its slimy, slimy brain because that will be the first thing to come shooting out of the top of it. I bet its brain is green. What if it lands on your pillow?”

Sam: “Fabio!”

Lisa: “I’m gonna look up pictures of the real Fabio online.”

Sam: “I wanna take pictures of Fabio! Fabio! Fabio, let’s go Fabio. Picture time. Come here you little hamster hamster.”

Kristin: “Lisa, get a picture of the hamster. It’s gonna make noises when it gets squeezed to death when she doesn’t shut up.”

Lisa: “This is the real Fabio.”

Kristin: “Scary.”

Lisa: “It says here, ‘If that guy wants to date someone Fabio hasn’t, he should date guys.’ Way to be cocky there, Fabio.”

Sam: “Fabio. Want me to squeeze you, Fabio? Want me to squeeze his throat out? I don’t like you anymore named after that man. Fabio. Get out of the dookie food Fabio. Don’t squeeze in that hole! Say cheese, Fabio.”

Lisa: “Sammy, use your indoor voices.”

Sam: “His little finger is on me! Fabio! Don’t be afraid of the flash, Fabio. FABIO! Get away from there, Fabio! Get in the picture!”

Kristin: “Sam, stop feeding that bloated rat and put it back in its cage.”

Sam: “Are you feelin’ me? I can’t imagine Fabio being squeezed. Kristin, are you feelin’ me? That’s what all the boys say – you know, all the rapper dudes.”

Lisa: “Get it out of my face!”

Sam: “Guess what. Rat butt. Guess why. Rat die.”

Kristin: “Put it away.”

Sam: “Fabio. Get out of that hole. Night Fabio. Wanna hear a lullabye? Mossaleena callakunia.”

Kristin: “Sam.”

Sam: “Bye Fobs.”

Lisa: “Sammy, don’t touch my computer.”

Sam: “I typed a ‘Q’.”

Lisa: “Dude. I’ll squeeze it. Kristin, get me the rat.”

Sam: “No, NO! FABIO. Fobs is sleepin’. Leave him alone. His name is Hootie.”

Lisa: “I thought his name was Boots.”

Sam: “His name is Hootie! HOOTIE! HOOTIE! His name is Hootie!”

Kristin: “Hootie?”

Sam: (in an indescribable low breathy voice, comparable to a barfing noise, emphasizing the first syllable of the word) “Huutie.” (slaps her chest twice)”Huutie.” (slaps her chest twice) “Huutie. HUU HUU HUUtie.” (slaps her chest twice) “HUUtie.”

Lisa & Kristin: “Shut UP!”

Sam: “Hootie.”

Dinner & A Penis

By conversations, las vegas, little cousins 4 Comments

My cousin found a penis in the street today. I guess I should start at the beginning…

As we all sat down to dinner this evening, the next door neighbor threw open the front door yelling, “KIM! KIM!” In a panic, everyone but Kristin and I scrambled from the table tripping over garbage bags convinced that one of the kids had gotten hit by a car. K and I just kind of looked at each other, raised eyebrows, perplexed, slowly munching on baked ziti until we heard “Kim, you have to see this. It’s a fake penis!” — then we jumped up from the table and bolted to the front door immediately. “Amy brought it home. The kids found it on the street!”

Amy (one of the neighbors) rushed through the front door, gasping for air, stating, “I did not put it in my mouth. I didn’t. I didn’t put it in my mouth, Sammy! Shut up!”

We all formed a huddle around the “item”, which was, by this time, in a plastic bag, somewhat out of sight.

Sammy: “We found that on the street!”

Franky: “Me and my friend saw that! We just left it there.”

Amy: “I did NOT!”

Neighbors’ mother: “Can you believe this? Where did it come from?”

Aunt Kim: “Maybe some dog? Can you imagine some dog running through the neighborhood with that thing?”

Amy: “I know what that is! It’s a dickie.”

Lisa: “A what?”

Sammy: “A dickie?”

Franky: “And we found something else in a package.”

Amy: “It’s a dickie.”

Lisa: “That’s a package.”

Kristin: “It’s like this long.”

Sammy: “NO! It’s like THIS long!”

Neighbors’ mother: “They came running through the front door waving it around screaming, ‘Look at this! Look!’ I made them wash their hands IMMEDIATELY.”

Uncle Franky: “Unbelievable.”

Ellie: “We wanted to take it to the security gate guy.”

Aunt Kim: “Oh gosh.”

Uncle Franky: “Get rid of that thing. Get rid of it. Stop laughing. It’s not funny.”

Franky: “Me and my friend did see that on the street though.”

Sammy: “It’s rubber!”

Lisa: “Everyone calm down. Chill. What I want to know is this, Amy. What exactly was the first thing you said after you picked it up?”

(Everyone looks at Amy expectantly.)

Amy: “I was like, ‘Whoa.'”

Lisa: “Whoa? That’s it?”

Amy: “Yeah, I was like, (laughs) ‘Whoa.'”

Neighbors’ mom: (Laughing uncontrollably) “HA! That was a good one!”

Lisa: “Just trying to get a feel for the thought process of someone who stumbles across such a thing on the street…”

Sammy: “And then she put it in her mouth like a dog and ran around with it!”

Amy: “I DID NOT!”

Lisa: “Gross. What color is it?”

Sammy: “It’s rubber!”

Amy: “It’s pinkish tannish.”

Aunt Kim: “It was garbage day. Maybe that’s where it came from?”

Neighbors’ mom: “That must be it. I can’t imagine how else it would have gotten there.”

Lisa: “Maybe someone’s dog took it out of their room. What if someone is looking for it? Should we post ‘Found’ flyers around the neighborhood?”

Uncle Franky: “STOP IT. Throw it out. Stop laughing. It’s over.”

(He takes it away.)

We eventually broke up our little penis party and went back to eating dinner. Kristin, Sammy, Aunt Kim and I snickered about the fake penis throughout dinner — Uncle Franky was about to kick us all out of the kitchen by the end of the meal.

Lisa: “I didn’t get to see it.”

Kristin: “Me either. It’s in the garbage.”

Lisa: “Score.”

Aunt Kim: “Frank! You threw that thing in our garbage? Gross!”

Lisa: “Yup, there it is.”

Aunt Kim gathered up the garbage back and ran out to the garage with it. “I don’t want that thing in my garbage!”

Kristin: “This was certainly an eventful dinner.”

Lisa: “Classic. You couldn’t write shit this good.”

Sammy: “Was that ding-a-ling rubber? I swear I didn’t, but Amy really did put it in her mouth.”

Aunt Kim: “Ugh. You better not have.”

Sammy: “She put it in her pants and swung it around.”

Kristin: “I’ve lost my appetite.”

Lisa: “What did you call it?”

Sammy: (Looks around to make sure her dad isn’t in the room.) “It’s a boy’s ding-a-ling. And it’s rubber.”

You cannot even imagine how funny this all was. I was crying from laughing so hard. Have you ever seen eight hysterical people, laughing uncontrollably, all trying to talk at once, huddled around a sex toy in a Target bag on the floor? If not, then you are definitely missing out. It was absolutely ridiculous. Who in the hell leaves a fake penis in the middle of the road in a gated community anyway? Whatever. Thanks to whoever it was — it certainly made for an entertaining evening.

Food, Exercise, and Tumbleweeds

By conversations, little cousins, ruling at life 3 Comments

When I got home from work this afternoon, I had a slight ranch dressing crisis. Before I even set down my bag of work-related items (apron, pens, etc.), I started stuffing my face with ranch dressing-covered junk food. After devouring one chicken wing doused with the stuff, I went on a rampage throughout the house locating all possible food items to dip and consume. I coated the following items in ranch dressing: American cheese, provolone cheese, Cool Ranch Doritos, Kashi crackers, buffalo wings, pretzel sticks, and croutons. I think anyone present can attest to the fact that I was on some kind of freak binge. After all that salty food, I ate a few Oreos with a big glass of milk, drank a Miller Lite and moseyed on next door for some steak, chocolate cake, another beer, and a few puffs of my uncle’s Cuban cigar. After this I went running.

I must have had some sort of fat panic attack because most people lay on the couch and take a nap after overindulging the way I did this evening. But, I opted for a twilight run accompanied by my cousin Franky and my Navy cadence CD. After a mile and a half of running, laughing, and singing, I thought I was going to puke. Tomorrow, I am only eating pineapples and water and doing at least 100 sit-ups and 20-something push-ups. Good lord.

Sammy: “Look at my tumbleweed!”
Me: “You copycat. Loser.”
Sammy: “What? My dad got it for me today.”
Me: “What’s its name?”
Sammy: “Huh?”
Me: “Your tumbleweed. Does it have a name?”
Sammy: “No.”
Me: “Whatever. Mine’s better.”
Kristin: “Lisa’s right. Her tumbleweed takes the cake.”
Me: “Damn straight.”