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Here’s one I’ve never heard before…

By boys, conversations, food One Comment

I was in the parking garage elevator this morning with a middle-aged guy wearing a wedding band who kept glancing at my lunch, which was in a clear Glad container.

“That looks like some nice pasta you have there,” he said.

“Yeah. I cooked dinner last night. For my ex-boyfriend,” I stated.

“Wow. That’s pretty nice for an ex-boyfriend. You trying to make him realize what he’s missing out on or something?” he asked.

“Not really,” I replied.

“Well, it looks good. I wish I was your ex-boyfriend.”

What? Who says that?

What’s Up

By being a computer genius, boys, employment, las vegas, little cousins, music, new jersey, packing 2 Comments

The days left in this year are dwindling. I have so much stuff to do before I go to New Jersey for Thanksgiving. I have to do laundry, pack some clothes, compile a CD and tie up a bunch of loose ends at work.

I’m finally loading all of my music back onto my computer. Remember when I changed my hard drive a few months ago? (I’m such a computer genius.) I’m also stealing Internet. It’s not that I’m too cheap to pay for Internet, it’s just that I’m still waiting for my apartment community to finish installing the wireless connections for our whole complex. They said it would be done by November 1st. They lied.

I got to go to St. Louis last week for work. That was exciting. I guess I have to take the clothes from that trip out of my suitcase so that I can put the clothes for Thanksgiving in. Damn.

After Thanksgiving, I’ll be home for two days and then I’m hopping on a plane to Vegas to visit my family. My other aunt and uncle and my grandparents moved out there. Crazy mass exodus of family members out of New Jersey to the desert and shit. Now who am I going to party with on Christmas Eve? Only a fraction of my cousins even live within 2,600 miles of me now.

Allison and I have decided that the terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are obsolete. I’ll get into that some other time.

Anyway, I’ve gotten distracted from compiling my latest CD masterpiece. This one will be called Look @ the Stars. All good CDs need a name.

If you want to date me, please skip to the last sentence.

By boys, drama, kurt vonnegut is my hero, not ruling at life, political views One Comment

I’m really pissed off right now. I usually write my best LJ entries when I’m pissed off. I tend to be extremely hilarious.

I’m mostly pissed off because of boys. I find boys to be ridiculous. Every time I let one be my friend, he ends up disappointing me. I know they don’t do it on purpose most of the time, but they always do it and it sucks.

I just try to have a good time, but it hardly ever works out. I met one boy last year who didn’t act so immature and we usually had a good time, but he has inexplicably cut me off and won’t return my calls. We were really good friends.

Some boys disappointed me last night, so I went to bed kind of early. I didn’t care that much. I was tired. I fell asleep reading a Kurt Vonnegut novel.

I had the weirdest dream. I told the dream to some people at lunch today and they seemed to think I should try to turn it into something that makes some sort of sense and post it in my LJ. I’ll try my best. I might be a little distracted. I’m at Mark’s and he just bought a karaoke machine, so… Right. Anyway.

My dream:

I was checking my bank account online and there was over $1000 dollars in there becase Mark Twain (yes, the author)…

Let me try again.

Mark Twain (yes, the author) has been distributing his sperm in pill form to females in order to father children all over the planet. Meanwhile, political activists against unwed parents having children have been trying to stop him.

I open the Bank of America webpage and see that there is over $1600 in my savings account (my house fund). My ex-boyfriend asks me why I have so much money and I explain that Mark Twain has offered me $1000 to take the sperm pill and have one of his children. My ex-boyfriend doesn’t think this is a good idea. He argues with me that I cannot have Mark Twain’s child. He even tries to convince me that the political activists against unwed parents might violently harm me if I were to become pregnant. I try to explain how practical it all seems because I can use the $1000 to put the down payment on a condo in Las Vegas. The condo costs around $100,000 and I read a magazine on an airplane that, “One percent will move you in!”

My ex-boyfriend begs me not to take the pill and even gets down on one knee and promises to buy me a house. I say no and storm out to a bar.

Once I get to the bar, I see my ex-boyfriend’s ex-best friend. He is wearing a navy blue shirt. I go up to him and tap him on the stomach. “Hey [ex-boyfriend’s ex-best friend], how’s the keg?” (We used to call his stomach “the keg” in college.)

“It’s doin’ fine,” he replies.

I look at him for a minute and say, “I really miss you.”

“I know what you mean,” he says.

He leads me out to a dance floor and we start swing dancing. Then we back away because a circle forms and a swing dancing competition begins. A bunch of girls wearing weird red 1920s flapper-looking skirts are doing strange moves all over the place.

My cell phone rings.

I woke up right at that point to find that I had a voice mail on my phone. My phone ringer was off, but apparently it really had just rung. I checked the voice mail and it was two people whose voices I didn’t recognize having a five-minute conversation. I didn’t know the number, either, but I was too tired to call it back.

Anyway, I went back to sleep.

I don’t really think you will find this amusing in any way, but I figured I’d try.

Mark just dedicated “Scotty Doesn’t Know” to Scotty.

By the way, I’m looking for a new boyfriend.

Catching Up

By boys, employment, food, partying like a rock star, roommates, ruling at life, tv 2 Comments

Greetings earthlings. Is it hot down there?

Just kidding. I haven’t left the planet. I’m here experiencing the heat wave just like you — I promise. Hell, I even wore shorts to the office today. My mom said I was going to get fired. She said, “You’re always pushing the limits with those people.” Eh, whatever. My friend Stacey the un-receptionist quit last week, so I don’t even care if I get fired. This job is no fun anymore.

On the other hand, my latest restaurant job is pretty awesome.

I went to the Outer Banks last weekend to hang out with The Big A and her family in Corolla. It was a pretty good time. I did a lot of crossword puzzles and we taught her parents how to play Texas Hold ‘Em.

I’ve been going to the beach every afternoon that I have time after work to go swimming in the ocean.

Some random guy approached me in a parking garage the other day, commented on a particular body part of mine and asked me if I wanted to be a dancer in his friend’s upcoming music video, “Gangsta Love,” which will be taped over Labor Day weekend out near the Oceanfront. I politely declined, but I’m starting to think maybe I should have looked into it. I may have just passed up my once-in-a-lifetime chance at embarking on the career path of a rock star.

Allison and I have officially begun our search for a roommate to take Robbie’s place by October 15th when we renew our lease. Feel free to check out our profile — Allisa304 on Roommates.com.

Speaking of Allison, she’s on a cruise this week with her family, so when her new boyfriend got arrested in her Jeep the other night, the Jeep got towed away and I had to track it down and go pick it up with $125 of my own cash. Her boyfriend is currently in jail for being a moron — Building 7 in Virginia Beach near the courthouse if you want to go pay him a little visit. I personally am unable to visit Blair in jail due to the fact that upon seeing him, I would probably resort to physical violence and also be arrested.

I had a dentist appointment to get my teeth cleaned this morning. Then I got them all dirty again with a huge sandwich from Arby’s on my way to work. I felt bad eating fast food 30 minutes after my fluoride treatment, but I had to. My coupon for $1.00 of any combo meal was about to expire.

I’ve been trying to cut back on my partying recently. Well, not really. I’d love to party, but apparently all of my guy friends are starting to think that my constant accompanying them out to bars is hindering their chances at scoring hot chicks. So, I’ve been making a conscious effort to stay in and watch TV some nights in order to support their quests for STDs/new girlfriends. It’s all good though — Big Brother 6 and Aqua Teen Hungerforce have been keeping me pretty entertained. Janelle, Kaysar and Meatwad have really been broadening my horizons about a lot of important topics such as comparing real life to chess strategies and the nutritional advantages of a weenie smoothie (lots of protein!). In the meantime, I’ll just keep my fingers crossed that those boys don’t feel too bad when they figure out it wasn’t my fault about the hot chicks.

About that show Big Brother, though — do you ever wonder whose eye that is in the opening credits? I mean, does some person actually get paid to blink on film?

Anyway, back to work. Stay cool.

Better than a Box Full of Starving Crazed Weasels

By boys, conversations, food, memories, new jersey, roommates, virginia beach 4 Comments

One of the perks of living in Virginia Beach is that there is a Dunkin’ Donuts just around the corner from my apartment complex. So, whenever Allison and I get annoyed with boys, we just hop in the car and pull up to the DnD drive thru window to order up one of our favorite comfort foods.

I’ve always thought fondly of DnD. There were about seven of them within 10 miles of my house in New Jersey, so I think it was inevitable that I would become attached at some point. When the Classic Cup in Manasquan closed down, Jamie and I took to the Sea Girt location for our late-night, over-coffee conversations about life, and when the pre-Starbucks Coffee Coolatta was popular for five minutes several summers ago, Stacey and I thought the frozen indulgence was the perfect way to accessorize for any occasion. When I worked at Insano in Asbury Park, I’d always stop at the DnD on Cookman for a quick bagel (double-toasted with light cream cheese) if I was working a morning shift, and I must say, I’ve even used the occasional Apple ‘n Spice donut to say “I’m sorry” or “Good morning!” to a love interest. (Personally, I find the Apple ‘n Spice donut to be a perfect stand-in for the Hallmark greeting card.)

Over the years, the item I’ve fallen in the love with the most is definitely the Bosten Creme donut. I think I’ve become the Boston Creme donut’s biggest fan. The Boston Creme donut has been there to dry my tears, to make me feel satiated before bedtime and energized before work, and to accompany me during some of the most boring road trips of all time.

Of course, just like any friend, the Boston Creme donut is not always reliable. Most Dunkin’ Donuts run out of Boston Creme donuts by 10:30 p.m. I remember one time, in New Jersey, I was craving a Boston Creme donut so much that I called six Dunkin’ Donuts stores before I found one that still had some at one o’clock in the morning. I requested that they put it on hold for me and drove 10 minutes up Route 35 to retrieve it.

Similarly, the DnD by my apartment runs out of good donuts excessively. For example, they run out of Allison’s favorite – the Marble Frosted donut – all the time. Well, maybe not all the time. I do remember one drunken night we pulled up to the drive thru window with tear-streaked faces and a handful of change and thankfully, DnD had both a Marble Frosted and a Boston Creme donut for us that night. That was a lucky night.

Anyway, last night wasn’t quite the same as that night. Both of us were just a little frustrated with friends of ours – mostly her boyfriend and our roommate. We were sitting on the couch sulking in front of Pirates of the Caribbean and we just needed to get out of the apartment for a few minutes, so I suggested a Dunkin’ Donuts run. “We haven’t done that in awhile,” I said.

“Yeah, let’s go,” Allison said.

So we got on some sweatshirts and hopped in the Malibu to drive around the corner to the DnD drive thru. Whenever I pull up to the DnD drive thru window, I always feel like Weird Al in his song, “Albequerque.”

“Do you have any Marble Frosted donuts?” I ask.

“No, we’re out of Marble Frosted donuts.”

“Do you have any Boston Creme donuts?”

“Nah, we’re out of Boston Creme donuts.”

“Do you have any Bavarian Creme donuts?”

“Nah, we’re outta Bavarian Creme donuts.”

Usually the conversation proceeds until I ask for a Chocolate Frosted donut, which is usually in stock. Last night it was a little skewed.

“Do you have any Chocolate Frosted donuts?”

“Well, which kind? Chocolate Chocolate Frosted or just Chocolate Frosted. We have Chocolate Chocoloate, but if you just want Chocolate Frosted regular, I can go in the back and make them for you.”

“Make them for us?” I inquired.

“Yeah, we just gotta squeeze the chocolate frosting on ’em. It’s cool.”

“Are there any other Dunkin’ Donuts around here?” Allison asked.

“Um, I don’t know about that. I can just make them for you,” the genius in the window responded.

“Are you new?” I asked.

“I don’t know about that. I don’t know where there are other ones. I’m about to go to boot camp. I don’t give no shit about this frickin’ job. I don’t know about that,” he said.

“What kind of donuts do you have in there?” I asked.

He listed off a bunch of mumbled donut names that sounded vaguely familiar, but I was thoroughly confused. “Can we just come in and see what you’ve got?” I asked. Late at night, the front door is locked. Only the drive thru is open.

“Sure,” he said. “Come in. I don’t care about this damn job. I’ll unlock the door.”

So, I parked the car and we went inside to browse the donut selection. Unfortunately there was nothing exciting. “Do you have any Munchkins?” Allison asked desperately.

“Yeah. What ones you want?”

We ordered 25 chocolate and glazed Munchkins and got out our money to pay. “Don’t even worry about it,” the guy said. He sent us on our way with a box of free Munchkins.

“SCORE!” I said when we got to the car. “Free shit!”

“We got hooked UP!” Allison said. She opened the box. “There is way, way more than 25 Munchkins in this box.”

So, there you have it. Another restaurant fiasco that left Allison and I with some free donuts. (Yes, there have been others — a few at DnD and one at Smokey Bones that resulted in our group leaving the reastaurant with over a dozen free donuts.)

In all that excitement, were totally distracted from the fact that any boys had annoyed us in the first place. Mission accomplished. We plopped back down on the couch with the comforting feeling of a tummy full of donuts and a renewed appreciation for Johnny Depp and watched more of the movie until Allison’s boyfriend called. Of course they got in another argument, so I ended up going to bed, but at least there was like 25 Munchkins left in that box for breakfast this morning and for dinner later on tonight because I’m sure we’ll be annoyed again by then.

(And don’t worry, Boston Creme donut. Just because you weren’t around this time, doesn’t mean I’ve given up on you. Perhaps we’ll get together this weekend. It’ll be fun. Oh! And I promise I’ll never choose a Krispy Kreme over you.)