An Intelligent Conversation With My Brother

By conversations, music No Comments

calic0jack22: PORCELINA, OF THE OCEANS BLLUUUUEEEEE!!!!!
VTJerseyGirl03: ?
VTJerseyGirl03: what in the hell does that mean?
calic0jack22: what
VTJerseyGirl03: porcelina of the oceans blue.
calic0jack22: its lyrics to the song i was blasting
calic0jack22: freak
VTJerseyGirl03: right
VTJerseyGirl03: should have known
calic0jack22: listen, i’ll play it again
VTJerseyGirl03: excuse my obliviousness.
VTJerseyGirl03: please do not disrupt my peaceful listening to the talents of israel kamakawiwo’ole
calic0jack22: did you hear it?
calic0jack22: listen again…
VTJerseyGirl03: no.  i told you.  i am listening to israel kamakawiwo’ole.
calic0jack22: forget that crap
calic0jack22: its all about smashing pumpkins
VTJerseyGirl03: no.
VTJerseyGirl03: i am currently listening to israel kamakawiwo’ole and his ukelele.
VTJerseyGirl03: 😛
calic0jack22: pffft
calic0jack22: pure and utter crap
VTJerseyGirl03: hawaiian music is not crap
VTJerseyGirl03: especially when it is used in conjunction with pineapple candles, a loaf of hawaiian sweet bread, and a glass of passionfruit iced tea.
calic0jack22: GAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaayy
VTJerseyGirl03: you have no respect for the hawaiian culture.
calic0jack22: ooo oh oh, he is burned… BURNED …. BUUURRRRNNNNNEEEEEDD
VTJerseyGirl03: it is also best when listened to while absorbed in the book, Hawaii by James Michener, and accompanied by a 75 degree breeze coming through the window
calic0jack22: fag
VTJerseyGirl03: at around 4pm on a sunny springtime afternoon.
calic0jack22: OK I GET THE POINT
calic0jack22: you wish you were a hawaiian…
calic0jack22: BUT
calic0jack22: you aren’t
VTJerseyGirl03: you obviously do not get the point.  i was not saying i wish i were hawaiian.  i was simply explaining the best way to listen to israel kamakawiwo’ole.

My favorite artist…

By life-changing purchases No Comments

…is Michael Cassidy.

I think that any one of his surfing or Hawaiiana pieces would compliment my choice of bedroom decorations perfectly.  One of my favorites, is, of course, “Teach Me To Surf, Sugar Daddy.”  Unfortunately, I don’t have $95 to spare right now for one of those giclee mini-prints.  Someday…

Catch-22

By books No Comments

Do you ever go back and read those books – the ones that were required in high school that you never wanted to read because someone TOLD you to read them?  The Bell Jar, The Great Gatsby, Catch-22, etc.?

I have been terribly amused by Joseph Heller’s eccentric character, Yossarian, in Catch-22.  I think he ranks right up there with Ignatius J. Reilly from A Confederacy of Dunces (John Kennedy Toole).

Here is one of my favorite passages:

     There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one’s own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn’t, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn’t have to; but if he didn’t want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.
     “That’s some catch, that Catch-22,” he observed.
     “It’s the best there is,” Doc Daneeka agreed
.

It only gets better from there… 

     “That’s much better, Mr. Clevinger, even though it is a barefaced lie. Last night in the latrine. Didn’t you whisper that we couldn’t punish you to that other dirty son of a bitch we don’t like? What’s his name?”
     “Yossarian, sir,” Lieutenant Scheisskopf said.
     “Yes, Yossarian. That’s right. Yossarian. Yossarian? Is that his name? Yossarian? What the hell kind of a name is Yossarian?”
     Lieutenant Scheisskopf had the facts at his fingertips. “It’s Yossarian’s name, sir,” he replied.
     “Yes, I suppose it is. Didn’t you whisper to Yossarian that we coudn’t punish you?”
     “Oh, no, sir. I whispered to him that you couldn’t find me guilty-“
     “I may be stupid,” interrupted the colonel, “but the distinction escapes me. I guess I am pretty stupid, because the distinction excapes me.”
     “W-“
     “You’re a windy son of a bitch, aren’t you? Nobody asked you for clarification and you’re giving me clarification. I was making a statement, not asking for clarification. You are a windy son of a bitch, aren’t you?”
     “No, sir.”
     “No, sir? Are you calling me a goddam liar?”
     “Oh, no, sir.”
     “Then you’re a windy son of a bitch, aren’t you?”
     “No, sir.”
     “Are you trying to pick a fight with me?”
     “No, sir.”
     “Are you a windy son of a bitch?”
     “No, sir.”
     “Goddammit, you ARE trying to pick a fight with me. For two stinking cents I’d jump over this big fat table and rip your stinking, cowardly body apart from limb to limb.”

I could keep going – there’s the part where ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen calls Colonel Cargill, says “T.S. Eliot,” and hangs up the phone, leaving a group of colonels and generals confused for days about what it meant.  There’s the part where Major Major darts out the window every time one of his soldiers comes to the door.  And someone keeps signing Irving Washington’s name to official documents. =)

Pros and Cons of Parties

By lists, partying like a rock star No Comments

Work Parties:
Pros – Food, beer, wine, etc.
Cons – you don’t know anyone unless it’s your work party, people talk about computers

Fraternity Parties:
Pros – beer, music, fraternity boys
Cons – fraternity boys, freshman girls

Parties at Bars:
Pros – you can drink whatever you want
Cons – you have to pay for it

Parties at Your Own House:
Pros – you can get totally wasted, and not have to scam a ride anywhere afterwards
Cons – you have to clean – before AND after, you usually have to invite lots of family, you have to buy the food and beer, people might puke in your bathroom, people blame you if it sucks

Outdoor Parties:
Pros – grilled food, pools, it doesn’t matter if you spill stuff, outdoor parties are usually casual and fun and involve fireworks in the summer
Cons – bugs

Formal Parties:
Pros – you get to get all dressed up, dancing, champagne, meeting new people
Cons – you have to get all dressed up

Holiday Parties:
Pros – decorations, yummy food
Cons – too much fattening food, holidays cause too much pressure to have perfect parties that never turn out that way

Birthday Parties:
Pros – cake, presents, candles, everyone comes to see YOU
Cons – you get older, and if it’s your 21st, you will probably puke

Any other kinds of parties you can think of?