Disclaimer: I know I don’t regularly update this blog anymore, so let this serve as a brief reminder (or an important note to those of you who are new) that this blog is meant to be sarcastic and funny. Most of these stories are exaggerated for entertainment purposes.  Please do not take anything written here literally. 🙂

Returning to work after five days off used to be much more relaxing when less people e-mailed. Imagine my dismay when I had to get through approximately 873895728987 e-mails before I could even do my actual work (much less peruse online stores to see if I could find something I would have rather bought with that $600 I blew in New Jersey).

I don’t go through my e-mails like most people. Most people start at the top with the most recent e-mails and work their way down to the old ones, inevitably replying to all with dumb responses that have already been said in later messages related to that same topic. Or they actually check their e-mails on vacation, which is a huge faux pas, in my opinion. No, neither of those options are very suitable.

Because I am a self-certified computer genius, I know that the correct way to handle e-mails is as follows:

1. Delete everything from Borders.com except for the most recent coupon – that you should print (Borders.com is the only website that sends promotional discounts to my work e-mail. I have no idea why – although it could be because that’s the e-mail I gave them – but I like it.)
2. Delete everything else that looks like junk mail
3. Sort by “From” – read everything from boss to make sure nothing has gone drastically wrong while you were gone.
4. Read everything else in sequential order.
5. Do not respond to any e-mail chains before reading all messages in said chain.
6. Respond to quick, easy requests first.
7. Make a list of more time-consuming requests and tackle in order of your preference.
8. Once complete, check voicemails. (I hate voicemails. Who leaves voicemails anymore? Don’t call me.)
9. Respond to all important voicemails with phone calls.
10. Respond to all voicemails that should have been e-mails with e-mails.

Usually this process takes me no more than three hours. Today it took freaking seven. How did I become so popular at work? Perhaps I should feel flattered that so many people need to talk to me while I’m away, but in all honesty? All I feel is tired. And kind of like I need another vacation.

This crazy trip has got me feelin’: drained
And I’m singin’ along to: Hammers and Strings (A Lullaby) – Jack’s Mannequin