I realized this week that the next time I updated this blog, it would be my 500th post. Five hundred posts. My mind started racing with how I was going to celebrate this milestone in my life, and I just started thinking…
One day, I started a LiveJournal. I wrote a few posts about some random crap, and used it to plot out my New Year’s resolutions a few weeks later. It was the dawn of a new era. I went to California. I got a new laptop. I started running. I made fun of my brother. Twice. I pondered the validity Bermuda Triangle theories. I began to discover my blunt, satirical writing style. I fought with my brother about music, and decided once and for all I liked blogging about conversations. My best friend turned 21, and I wrote my first drunken post. I moved to Las Vegas (and spent 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 days driving there with my mom, which would later serve as inspiration for this blog’s road trip theme). I spent my first night in Vegas in the emergency room. Fabio the hamster made his debut. I took my cousins to the movies. I started to love Las Vegas. I found a lucky charm (which I still bring with me on all job interviews). I attended an alcohol management class, where I watched a video narrated by a talking Jim Beam bottle. I took my little cousins to the mall. I saw a rainbow. I began having bad luck with bananas (this has continued for years — everyone knows I can never find a decent banana, and if I do, something bad happens). Fabio the hamster officially got his name. I started thinking I was cool. I wrote about food, exercise and tumbleweeds. My little cousins found a sex toy in the street. I sent a guy to jail at work. Fabio the hamster feared for his life. I started searching for a new job. My aunt almost burned the house down. I got my first freelance writing gig. I wrote a really pointless post in the form of a screenplay. I posted a photo of Fabio the hamster. I described myself in one word as irresolute, which is ironic if you consider the fact that I spent the next seven years tracking my resolutions on this blog. Fabio the hamster feared for his life again. My cousins took a day off school. My cousins got punished. I turned 23. I left Las Vegas (a changed person for having lived there with my little cousins for 2.5 months), and spent 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 days driving back to New Jersey with my mom. I missed my cousins. I missed Las Vegas. I missed Fabio the hamster. I formulated a new plan (which never actually happened). I took myself out for hibachi. Rich wrote a letter to the mayor of Belmar. Four things irritated me. I went to a diner with some random ass people. I found new ways to lose weight. I made a short-lived attempt to give up beer, which lasted through at least one trip to Bar A by myself. I was happy. I was a waitress. Memorial Day came to the Jersey Shore. A semi-colon possessed my friend’s TV. I made some cool friends at work. I partied like a rock star. A quiz educated me that I was a “consummate hipster.” I realized I was having the best summer ever. I went to a lot of bars. I moved to Howell (with my parents). I crashed and burned. I fielded dumb questions working in restaurants, and I started to get sick of waitressing. I scrambled to find a new job. I figured out why I would never meet a guy in New Jersey — because I decided I was totally against boys shaving/waxing their arm hair. I took a short break from posting. I moved to Virginia Beach. I settled in. I got writer’s block. I discovered Wawa. I enjoyed my new job. I moved into my first apartment with two roommates — Robbie and Allison. I decided I was “ruling at life.” I was happy again. I licked a CD. I made a drunken list while I was home for Thanksgiving, and then decided I was ready to go. I was baffled by the weather. I tried to be more fun. I posted a recap of my 2004 resolutions. I created a soundtrack for my life. I made my 2005 resolutions. Robbie got on a plane. I got on a plane (a C-5). Allison and I tried to steal soda from Arby’s. I played poker. Allison and I became lazy. I started to embrace texting. I texted Tom. I boarded a submarine. Robbie and I went to Vegas. I went to New Jersey. I daydreamed about the lead singer of Maroon 5 rescuing my from my boring job. Robbie and I went to Las Vegas again. I turned 24. Allison and I scored tickets to see Green Day. I listened to the President on TV. I drank wine at work. I had a bad hair day. Allison and I got free Munchkins. I decided to win the lottery. We met some idiots. I forced my roommates to play the “Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego” board game. I spent a weekend alone (during which I sang karaoke, washed my car, and ate sloppy joes on hot dog buns). I got caught up after a little break. I did a bunch of stuff I’d never done before. I hung out on my porch. I let Allison convince me to enter a mini-skirt contest…on the wrong night. Mark came to New Jersey with me for Thanksgiving. I went to Las Vegas again. Allison and I stole a Christmas wreath. I hung out on a destroyer. I got a Tumi purse. I posted a recap of my2005 resolutions. I made my 2006 resolutions. Allison became obsessed with The Sims. I made $20 without even trying. I indulged in a hot bath. A bunch of random crap happened. Allison moved out, and Tom moved in. Tom had trouble communicating with Kristina’s boyfriend. I proposed to the lead singer of Jack’s Mannequin. I bought a condo. I wrote a letter to Santa. I bought a machine gun necklace. I posted a recap of my 2006 resolutions. I made my 2007 resolutions. Amy made her 2007 resolution. I bought a new car, which I would later name “The Spacepod” and hate with a passion for the next three years. My favorite author died. A tragedy happened at my alma mater. I drank beer at work. I pondered the future of technology, and reminisced about how I developed my computer skills. I ate Krispy Kremes with a fork and knife. I painted the master bedroom in my condo. I posted a recap of my 2007 resolutions. I made my 2008 resolutions. I voted. I ruined my dinner. I celebrated my one-year anniversary with my pet fish. I formulated opinions about the financial crisis. I posted a recap of my 2008 resolutions. I made my 2009 resolutions. I started looking for a new job because I realized that my company was being run by idiots. I started a new style blog. My fish died. I posted a recap of my 2009 resolutions. I made my 2010 resolutions. I complained about the weather. I remembered I was funny. I compared kids to cats. I gave Heather diet advice. I considered fishing a mint out of a public trash can. I bought a teapot. I formulated an opinion on healthcare. I figured out how to get rid of wrinkles. My cat puked on the carpet. I was allergic. I got self-tanner on my chin. I criticized The New York Times, people who cause oil spills, and Facebook. I celebrated Cinco de Mayo. I Googled myself. I bought a pork loin, and then finally got around to cooking it. I had hopes the economy was improving. I fell. I got mad at LiveJournal. I got mad at my mortgage company. I got mad at my neighbor. A hurricane was named after me. I moved to WordPress. I tried to refinance my condo. I got a haircut. I made a mess in the kitchen. I traveled back in time. I posted a decade’s worth of Halloween photos, and then a few from this year. I discovered Arby’s Prime Cut chicken tenders. I made a gingerbread house. I was snowed in…for a long time. I wrote a letter to the governor of Pennsylvania. I posted a recap of my 2010 resolutions. I made my 2011 resolutions. I was quoted in the Wall Street Journal. I saw a guy’s ass crack at yoga. I got mad at my mortgage company again. I got the worst fortune cookies ever. I wrote an HTML tutorial. I held out hope that I might still be able to refinance my condo…and then I gave up because I realized it just wasn’t going to happen. I found a new roommate. I exaggerated the growth of my fig tree. I had a nice Valentine’s Day. I went on an amazing vacation in St. Maarten. I failed at snacking. I took a day off work. I argued with a pharmacist. I admitted that I Google everything. I created an amazing form. And finally, the other day, I complained about the weather some more.
That’s about it. I’m not going to include any photos or proofread this eight million times. I’m just going to post it like I usually do, and keep my fingers crossed that one or two people will be able to read through that entire run-on paragraph and find something entertaining in there.
Whether you’ve been along for the ride for seven years or seven days, I hope you’ve enjoyed this crazy blog.
And now I’m going to go start working on my next 500 posts while you start clicking on those links. =)
