A Number of Ways I Don’t Recommend Spending Your Day Off

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1. Don’t start your day off taking your cat to the vet. Especially if said cat a super-psychotic about riding in cars, meows like a tortured cow, escapes from its cat carrier, and winds up sitting on the dashboard while you’re trying to drive. This is not an appealing way to kick off your day. Try something else — like enjoying coffee and a crossword puzzle while basking in the sunlight at a clean patio table.

2. Don’t waste your day off watching Les Misérables on the couch with your cat. This might seem like an effective use of your time (since your poor cat has been traumatized and is now extremely lethargic and pathetic as the result of an aspirated cyst and a rabies shot), but it’s not. Instead, opt to partake in some physical activity like running, yoga or dancing around the house with your vacuum.

3. Don’t spend an hour of your day off getting caught up in the drama of your water being wrongfully turned off by the city. Even though the city has already deducted your payment for the water from your bank account, they are not going to turn it on until you pay it again (plus a $20 fee to reinstate your water service, plus a $4.95 fee to pay online with a credit card, plus a $1.50 late fee). Making your payment means nothing because the city kind of has a monopoly on providing water. Just accept the fact that the city is a bunch of lazy bitches who can’t seem to process payments in a timely manner. Your payment was a little late, so you probably deserve having your water disconnected. (Actually, no…I completely disagree with that statement). Instead of doing this, just relax, light $20 on fire and indulge yourself in an afternoon margarita (or three).

4. Don’t take a day off to have a filling replaced at the dentist. Especially if you have any suspicions that the dentist might have trouble getting the new filling right on the first try. After you’ve endured the escaped cat, Les Mis, and the water fiasco, learning your dentist needs to re-drill out the filling after you thought you were all done might just send you over the edge. You know? As an alternative, you might try getting a massage or a facial. Dentist appointments are just not as enjoyable as those things.

5. Don’t drug yourself on your day off. Even though you Googled an allergy medication that was given to you three years ago to find out it was once used as a mild sedative in dentist offices in the 1950s…you shouldn’t purposely medicate yourself with something that you know will make you sleep for four hours on your day off. You’ll wake up at 6:30 p.m. feeling like you wasted your entire day and wishing you’d done some laundry instead. Then you’ll stay up too late and wake up the next morning wishing you had yet another day off to do your laundry, vacuum, work out, pick up your dry cleaning, and go to the eye doctor.

You understand this is not an ideal way to enjoy a day off work. But, hey, if you do ruin your day off doing these things, at least you’ll know that your cat is not, in fact, going to die of a cancerous neck tumor. And you won’t have to pay next month’s water bill once your payment (from last Thursday) finally posts to your account. And you won’t have to go back to the dentist for at least six months, so that’s exciting, right?

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This crazy trip has got me feelin’: burnt out
And I’m singin’ along to: I’m Just A Kid – Simple Plan

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