Okay. I’m seriously over this crap with the mortgage. If you don’t know the story by now — let me get you caught up: Bought the place in 2006 with a friend. She moved out and got married. We’ve been renting out her room. Interest rate is ridiculous because we financed 100 percent. I’m trying to refinance the condo into my name only because she wants out. We’re underwater, and we have private mortgage insurance (PMI) on our current loan. Mortgage company encouraged me to apply for a short refinance. Did everything they said (even though more than half of what they said was completely screwy). Argued with them for five months before they gave me a final response. This is what happens next.

They said no. Want to hear why? Because we’re current on the loan. No late payments. But here’s the best part. LBPS wants to file a claim with the mortgage insurance company, and they won’t submit my short refinance request to Fannie Mae for review until the PMI company agrees to pay the claim. And the mortgage insurance company has a strict policy that they don’t pay claims on any accounts that are less than 60 days past due. And LBPS has been aware of that policy since January 2010, but they still encouraged me to pursue this option.

Guess what else. If we fall 60 days past due on our account, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be securing any decent financing on this condo. Basically, I’d be better off whacking myself in the face over and over with a frying pan than even bothering with these idiots anymore.

I decided enough was enough. I went over LBPS’ head and spoke with Fannie Mae directly. Want to know what they said? Want to know what Fannie Mae (who received $200 billion in bailout money) said to me? Wait. Let me tell you what I said to them first.

I said, “Here’s the deal. I want to give you all your money. I want to pay you. I understand that my condo was a bad investment, and I’m willing to cough up the cash. But I need to refinance. My co-borrower is going to end up filing for bankruptcy if I don’t. I’ve secured financing for 97.5 percent of the current value of my condo at a super-low interest rate, and I’m willing to sign a promissory note to pay the rest of it back to you over the next few years. But LBPS won’t send my documents to Fannie Mae for review because the PMI company won’t pay on the claim. Isn’t there anyone I can negotiate this with? I’m willing to pay you, so you won’t have to put in a claim!”

They said, “No ma’am. You cannot negotiate with us. You must go through your servicer, LBPS. We are not participating in the short refinance program. We do not forgive principal on loans with PMI because if we let the home go into foreclosure, we would collect on the insurance claim.”

Fannie Mae pretty much just told me that they’d rather let my condo go into foreclosure than work out a deal to let me repay them their freaking money. This is a joke, right?

I’m also pretty sure the exact words,”Then I guess you have no more options, ma’am,” came out of this woman’s mouth after I explained to her all the different ways I’ve attempted to rectify this situation since December 2008.

Keep trying to back me into a corner, Fannie. No wonder people walk away from their homes. The average American doesn’t possess the patience and/or mental capacity to navigate their way through this bullshit, but I’m dead set on refinancing this piece of property without screwing up my perfect credit score. It would be nice if you would help me out, but I’ll keep fighting you on it if you won’t. Got it?

This crazy trip has got me feelin’: irate
And I’m singin’ along to: F*ck You – Cee Lo Green

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