Dear mortgage company,

The last time I spoke with you regarding my loan, you finally offered up the first viable suggestion I have heard in years that will actually solve all of my problems. It will get my co-borrower off the loan, lower my interest rate, and even lower the principal of my loan so that I won’t be upside down in my condo anymore. So, I found a lender willing to find a program for me, and she did! Amazing! All this time I’ve been asking if I could short-sell to myself, I was actually on to something! I’m a freaking genius!

However, when I called back this evening (and sat on hold for close to two hours), your customer service representative said she had never heard of such a thing. And then she said she didn’t know what I was talking about and that chances are I wouldn’t get approved for that anyway because I am current on my payments and haven’t ever made a late payment. Are you insinuating that I should default on my mortgage? Because I wouldn’t qualify for this FHA short-payoff refinance if I was late on my mortgage payments, you bumbling morons. You have no freaking idea what you’re talking about, do you?

What is that? You want me to send in my paperwork for a HAMP modification? AGAIN? Give me a freaking break. It’s hard for me to believe that when you took over servicing the loan from First Horizon, you didn’t receive ANY history on my account. I’ve been denied for that program six times. SIX TIMES, mortgage company. Did you catch that? Maybe you should write it down. Just like maybe you should write down my phone number, the fact that I do not have any other liens on the property, the name of my condo association and the amount of my monthly condo fees so that you won’t have to ask me, not only every time I call, but every flipping time you even transfer me to someone new.

And while we’re at it, let’s discuss one last thing. Seeing as that your parent company, IBM, is one of the most prominent computer companies out there, I’m insulted by the fact that you would lie to me and tell me that your representatives have neither e-mail addresses nor direct phone numbers or extensions. I understand that your mission as middle-man between the lender and the customer is basically to get us to stop calling and continue paying, but you’re living in a dream world. I’m going to make you miserable and call you six times a day until you get your shit together and figure out what an FHA short-payoff fucking refinance is. And the next time I call, you’d better not tell me you’ve never heard of one of those. Use our phone conversation you recorded for training purposes and train yourselves with it.

So, let me get this straight. You took over servicing a bunch of loans because you have the best automation software on the market to do it and keep your costs down; however you want me to believe you have no direct phone numbers, no e-mail addresses, and no clue about what FHA loan I’m talking about. You won’t approve me for a short sale or a short refinance until you’ve already denied me (again) for the HAMP program, but you can’t give me a straight answer about how long that will take.

You’re making me very angry, mortgage company. Very, very angry. I haven’t decided what to do about it yet, but I’m working on it, and I can’t wait until I don’t have to pay your dumb ass more than $900 a month in interest any more. No, maybe being upside down by a few thousand dollars doesn’t qualify as a hardship, and perhaps it’s my own fault for assuming that I’d be able to refinance in two years when I signed the papers on a loan with a nearly 7.5 percent interest rate, but I’ve been a really good sport up until now with this whole situation, and I’m freaking sick of it. Yay, I have a good credit score! F- my credit score. Money is more important to me than my credit score, and I’m getting out of this negative equity whether you like it or not.

You’re going to lose this argument or gain 1,010 square feet of carpet that needs to be replaced. I promise.

Sincerely,
Your (perpetually on hold) customer

This crazy trip has got me feelin’: enraged
And I’m singin’ along to: You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet – Bachman-Turner Overdrive

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