Dear neighbor who had the audacity to leave a note written on a piece of trash in my door handle,

If you have enough spare time on your hands to rifle through my trash, let me offer you some advice. Get a life. Or a job. Or at least some sort of hobby that will fill the void in your life and make you realize that there are much more rewarding ways to spend an afternoon. I understand that the condo rules prohibit trash from being put out on the curb on days other than Tuesday and Friday. Thanks for reminding me of that with your impeccable handwriting on the back of a crumpled up envelope. You know what I think the condo rules should also prohibit? Your busybody neighbors leaving shit on your door.

I take it you didn’t rummage through the bag deep enough to find anything with my roommate’s name on it. He’s the one who left the trash outside anyway. I’m not home enough to even produce any trash, much less drag it downstairs and leave it outside on the wrong day. To be honest, you’re lucky I even saw the note. If you have a complaint, call up that useless association president, and have him fine me, you idiot. You know what I’m going to do now? I’m going to shred all evidence of my address and keep letting my roommate leave the trash outside.

Speaking of idiots…

Dear condo association,

I think the presence of debris in the form of siding and roof shingles in our parking lot is a pretty clear indication that you need to redo that shit. And can someone please tell me why there is a fucking satellite dish on the ground near the stairs of my building? What  the hell do I pay you for? There’s a freaking water meter leaking into the damn parking lot again.

Dear future real estate appraiser,

I’m embarrassed that you’ll be faced with putting a dollar value on this. Good f-ing luck.

Dear mortgage company,

I thought you were going to call me back! This is so not worth it. Do you see what I’m dealing with? Why am I paying you interest on this crap?

Vengefully yours,

This crazy trip has got me feelin’: aggravated
And I’m singin’ along to: The Catalyst – Linkin Park

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