What to do when you find out your friend may or may not have said some asinine things in your absence:

1. Refrain from allowing word vomit to spew from your own mouth. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

2. Listen to old Korn albums to help you feel angry instead of betrayed.

3. Apply excessive black eyeliner and make angry faces in the mirror.

4. Swear you’ll never do nice things for anyone ever again and go to bed.

5. Wake up next morning and decide that it’s not worth being mad over — allow anger to shift to mere attitude problem. Listen to Boy Sets Fire and Brand New.

People talk shit about you behind your back for one of three reasons:

1. They feel insecure and being mean makes them feel more important.

2. They can’t stop thinking about you and want to obsess and talk about you every second of the day.

3. They’re just dicks.

Which of these reasons warrants wasted energy on being resentful? None of the above.

People are just so vacuous sometimes.

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