Conversation from the past:

“Hey Lisa, here, have a beer!”

“Awesome.  Thanks!”

“Here, have another!”

“Okay, cool.”

“Have another beer!”

“Sure, okay, thanks!”

“Lisa, here’s another beer for you.”

“Sweet.”

“Lisa, you want one more?”

“Yeah, okay, one more.”

“Another?”

“Yeah, okay, one more.”

“Lisa, I think you’ve had enough.”

“Yeah, okay, one more.”

Conversation from the future:

“Hey Lisa, here, have a beer!”

“No thank you.  I’ll just have water.”

“Oh, you’re so boring!  Have a beer.  It’s a Bud Light, your favorite.”

“No, I’m sorry.  I’d rather not.  I don’t drink.”

“Since when?  You’re no fun.  Have the Bud Light.”

“Nah, I’m plenty fun without the Bud Light.  Just water for me.  Thanks.”

Last night after work, I sat down at the bar with Regina to have a beer.  A beer.  One.  Instead, I think we ended up having like seven.  And a shot.  We also had a shot.  I don’t even know what it was a shot of, but I’m pretty sure it was pink since that was what color I was puking at four o’clock this afternoon.

It was an awful, nauseous, hungover day.  I almost had to call out of work because I felt so sick.  I’ve never felt like that before — even after nights of more excessive drinking.  Either that was the shot from hell or I’m getting old, but either way, it was my own fault for drinking so much on a Wednesday night — at my place of employment no less.  It was totally ridiculous.

So, that’s it.  I’m giving it up.  I’m sacrificing alcohol for the sake of my well-being.  My goal is to go an entire month without drinking.  If I can’t have a beer without following it up with six more then I don’t deserve to have one at all.  I will not have any more wasted days of pacing around the house feeling intoxicated at two o’clock in the afternoon.   I’m done.  Beer is overrated.  It’s fattening and it causes me to give out my number to boys and and it makes me crave boneless Buffalo wings — another unnecessary evil — fried and fatty and accompanied by a huge glob of cellulite – I mean, salad dressing.

There you have it.  No more partying like a rock star after work, and no more beer.  None.

(By the way, does anyone want to hit up Bar A this Tuesday for Beat-the-Clock night?)

Join the discussion 11 Comments

  • calic0jack says:

    beer before liquor, never been sicker.
    liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.

    • Lisa says:

      let me clarify — i have always, always mixed my beer and liquor in whatever fashion i choose. i have always drank a lot, and i have never ever been that sick in my life. regina was puking all day, too. something was up with that shot i think. i’ve only thrown up from alcohol once and it was because i had like 12 jello shots and had been drunk every night for a week. i’ve had hangovers, but this was not a hangover. i couldn’t even drink water without feeling like i was going to vomit. it was absolutely awful. let me rephrase your little rhyme.
      beer before liquor
      liquor before beer
      you’ll be fine either way
      just don’t drink anything WEIRD

  • samrianv says:

    or you can just decide to not buy anymore drinks for yourself this is something i have done now and i am going on two months and everytime i have gone out as in three times a week i at least get one drink bought for me at night….

    • Lisa says:

      oh, i’ve tried that, too. boys love to hand me alcohol. they know i’ll make out with them if they get me tipsy enough.

      • samrianv says:

        yes well sorry…. i won’t make out with guys if they buy me drinks….. but hey i am okay with making out with any girls that are willing to buy me drinks…

  • where have i heard that cheerful littany before?
    oh yes, it’s the one i tell myself everytime i wake up with a hangover.
    “never again…i’m swearing off alcohol forever. that’s it. from now on, sober leah only.” and then the next weekend john’s having a party, and alcohol starts to look a lot more appealing, and i wonder what all the fuss was about.
    weren’t you the one who told me corn pops are good for hangovers? maybe you should have a bowl.
    maybe you should just give up beer, cause beer’s gross. and it’s just empty, useless calories that make a headlong dash for your ass the minute you ingest them.
    and just take a minute to reflect on how lucky you are to be able to drink on a WEDNESDAY because you don’t have to worry about getting up at 6 and sitting through nine classes the next day. some of us have to wait until the weekend to get shitfaced, rather than any old time we want,thank you very much!

    • Lisa says:

      well, i’ve never sworn off alcohol before. this was the most ridiculous incident of all time. it must have been that shot. regina was puking all day, too. i almost had to call out of work yesterday because i was puking at like 4 PM! gross. i’m swearing it off because it’s bad for you and because i have no self control and because i’m a stupid drunk person.
      btw, liquor has more calories and is worse for you than beer. one shot is 4 Weight Watchers points (some rums are more). one light beer is only 2.

  • Anonymous says:

    The past…
    Somehow this reminds me of the time you woke up in the shower at the house… fully dressed, if I remember correctly… and the water was still on, you’d run out the hot water heater, and you were sitting in the handicapped shower seat soaking wet… you’d been there for hours.
    Wasn’t that you?
    I know it was someone in your suite…

    • Lisa says:

      Re: The past…
      Not on the seat — laying on the floor. And the water was running, but it was still hot. That was the night that me and Andrea had the shaving cream fight. Six weeks later, in the bathroom at Sharkey’s, we saw something written on the wall in pen that only we could have written. It was in my handwriting, but neither of us remembered putting it there. We did, however, vaguely remember being in the bathroom with a pen. The next day, while we were cleaning up the shaving cream and the flooded bathroom, I said, “Andrea, at least I only kissed two people last night.” “Two?” she said. “It was definitely three or four.” “Oh,” I said. “Shit.” Hungover, I had to get in the car and drive 8 hours back to New Jersey that day. It sucked. But, unlike this past Thursday, it was bearable. I drank 14 bottles of water and ate a whole box of Corn Pops and felt better by 1 or 2 o’clock.
      I miss nights like that with The Big A. It’s much better to be drunk and hungover when you have a night like that — and when you PLANNED on getting wasted when you left the house. This Wednesday, I sat at the bar to have ONE beer with Regina. And ended up so drunk I couldn’t walk straight. Whatever. At least I didn’t do anything retarded or make out with any boys.

  • Anonymous says:

    No Drinking & Driving
    But you drove home anyway? That’s not like you. Next time, get a ride!

  • […] went to a diner with some random ass people. I found new ways to lose weight. I made a short-lived attempt to give up beer, which lasted through at least one trip to Bar A by myself. I was happy. I was a waitress. Memorial […]

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