My cousin found a penis in the street today. I guess I should start at the beginning…

As we all sat down to dinner this evening, the next door neighbor threw open the front door yelling, “KIM! KIM!” In a panic, everyone but Kristin and I scrambled from the table tripping over garbage bags convinced that one of the kids had gotten hit by a car. K and I just kind of looked at each other, raised eyebrows, perplexed, slowly munching on baked ziti until we heard “Kim, you have to see this. It’s a fake penis!” — then we jumped up from the table and bolted to the front door immediately. “Amy brought it home. The kids found it on the street!”

Amy (one of the neighbors) rushed through the front door, gasping for air, stating, “I did not put it in my mouth. I didn’t. I didn’t put it in my mouth, Sammy! Shut up!”

We all formed a huddle around the “item”, which was, by this time, in a plastic bag, somewhat out of sight.

Sammy: “We found that on the street!”

Franky: “Me and my friend saw that! We just left it there.”

Amy: “I did NOT!”

Neighbors’ mother: “Can you believe this? Where did it come from?”

Aunt Kim: “Maybe some dog? Can you imagine some dog running through the neighborhood with that thing?”

Amy: “I know what that is! It’s a dickie.”

Lisa: “A what?”

Sammy: “A dickie?”

Franky: “And we found something else in a package.”

Amy: “It’s a dickie.”

Lisa: “That’s a package.”

Kristin: “It’s like this long.”

Sammy: “NO! It’s like THIS long!”

Neighbors’ mother: “They came running through the front door waving it around screaming, ‘Look at this! Look!’ I made them wash their hands IMMEDIATELY.”

Uncle Franky: “Unbelievable.”

Ellie: “We wanted to take it to the security gate guy.”

Aunt Kim: “Oh gosh.”

Uncle Franky: “Get rid of that thing. Get rid of it. Stop laughing. It’s not funny.”

Franky: “Me and my friend did see that on the street though.”

Sammy: “It’s rubber!”

Lisa: “Everyone calm down. Chill. What I want to know is this, Amy. What exactly was the first thing you said after you picked it up?”

(Everyone looks at Amy expectantly.)

Amy: “I was like, ‘Whoa.'”

Lisa: “Whoa? That’s it?”

Amy: “Yeah, I was like, (laughs) ‘Whoa.'”

Neighbors’ mom: (Laughing uncontrollably) “HA! That was a good one!”

Lisa: “Just trying to get a feel for the thought process of someone who stumbles across such a thing on the street…”

Sammy: “And then she put it in her mouth like a dog and ran around with it!”

Amy: “I DID NOT!”

Lisa: “Gross. What color is it?”

Sammy: “It’s rubber!”

Amy: “It’s pinkish tannish.”

Aunt Kim: “It was garbage day. Maybe that’s where it came from?”

Neighbors’ mom: “That must be it. I can’t imagine how else it would have gotten there.”

Lisa: “Maybe someone’s dog took it out of their room. What if someone is looking for it? Should we post ‘Found’ flyers around the neighborhood?”

Uncle Franky: “STOP IT. Throw it out. Stop laughing. It’s over.”

(He takes it away.)

We eventually broke up our little penis party and went back to eating dinner. Kristin, Sammy, Aunt Kim and I snickered about the fake penis throughout dinner — Uncle Franky was about to kick us all out of the kitchen by the end of the meal.

Lisa: “I didn’t get to see it.”

Kristin: “Me either. It’s in the garbage.”

Lisa: “Score.”

Aunt Kim: “Frank! You threw that thing in our garbage? Gross!”

Lisa: “Yup, there it is.”

Aunt Kim gathered up the garbage back and ran out to the garage with it. “I don’t want that thing in my garbage!”

Kristin: “This was certainly an eventful dinner.”

Lisa: “Classic. You couldn’t write shit this good.”

Sammy: “Was that ding-a-ling rubber? I swear I didn’t, but Amy really did put it in her mouth.”

Aunt Kim: “Ugh. You better not have.”

Sammy: “She put it in her pants and swung it around.”

Kristin: “I’ve lost my appetite.”

Lisa: “What did you call it?”

Sammy: (Looks around to make sure her dad isn’t in the room.) “It’s a boy’s ding-a-ling. And it’s rubber.”

You cannot even imagine how funny this all was. I was crying from laughing so hard. Have you ever seen eight hysterical people, laughing uncontrollably, all trying to talk at once, huddled around a sex toy in a Target bag on the floor? If not, then you are definitely missing out. It was absolutely ridiculous. Who in the hell leaves a fake penis in the middle of the road in a gated community anyway? Whatever. Thanks to whoever it was — it certainly made for an entertaining evening.

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