Skip to main content

Starting all over again…

By January 2, 2004resolutions

So here’s the thing about starting a new year.  People seem to think that just because we’ve turned over the last page on the calendar and hung a new one on the wall, we can start from scratch.  We’re going to be healthier, skinnier, prettier, and way more organized.  We’ll spend more time reading and being productive and less time watching TV and sleeping.  We’ll break all of our bad habits, fix all of our mistakes, and refrain from making any new ones.  We’ll have more fun, make more friends, and go to more parties.  We’ll get better jobs, make more money, and save more of it than we’ll spend.  The list goes on and on.

Reality check.  Let’s be honest here.  There’s no way.  First of all, most of us probably spent the better part of the first day of the year hung over, bloated, and overweight from all that holiday food we’ve been eating since November.  This next week will go by and we’ll try as hard as we can to exercise some self-control and keep all of our New Year’s Resolutions, so help us God.  By January 6th, we’ll be totally fed up and decide we only really had one resolution — to lose weight.  We’ll swarm into Weight Watchers and Barnes & Noble (for the Atkins’ book, of course) and starve ourselves until we can’t take it anymore and eat a bag of Doritos, 12 Oreos and a huge slice of cheesecake.  By mid-February, we’ll be depressed because we’re still fat, we’re sick of winter, and dammit, we have no Valentine (which will lead us into a never-ending, downward spiral of binging on cookies, ice cream and other such comfort foods sitting around watching cheesy romantic comedies, all the while hating ourselves for not going to the gym).  Spring will come and go in the blink of an eye, and by May we’ll all be crash-dieting again to soften the blow of bathing suit shopping, wondering if becoming a bulimic really is such a bad idea.

On June 1st, we’ll think, “Wow, the year is half over!  It went by so fast and I still haven’t organized my Tupperware cabinet…” 4th of July, Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas — we’ll be right back where we started on December 28th — popping Advil and leftover Christmas cookies like they’re going out of style, wondering if our size 4 pants will still fit in the morning, and deciding we’d better make a damn good list of resolutions for 2005.

Perhaps we should give up the resolutions–just this once.  Because let’s face it.  We are too tired, we don’t really care that it’s fattening, and spending money is more fun than saving it.

If we can’t give the resolutions up, let’s at least make some cooler, more exciting ones this year.  For example:

In the year 2004, I will:  put my feet in the Pacific Ocean, work in a Las Vegas hotel, visit Hawaii, run 5 miles without stopping, join the Navy, go surfing, see Reel Big Fish in concert, make all my payments on time, do 25 pushups in 2 minutes, make at least ten new friends, get a new digital camera, write a book, save up some money, get a new computer, do better at keeping in touch with old friends, find a productive hobby that I enjoy, and, well… bemoreorganizedandcontinuelosingweight.

I guess there are some things you just can’t change…  Happy New Year!

Join the discussion 10 Comments

  • Lisa-m thank you much for putting me on your friends list, cause now mine doesn’t consist solely of your brother. nice resolutions by the way.-Leah

  • Anonymous says:

    January 4, 1998
    Resolve to Be the Best Person You Can Be in ’98 – Someone Else
    By Dave Barry
    Right now, while you’re still burping up little gaseous reminders of the estimated 78 cheese puffs you consumed on New Year’s Eve, is the time to make your New Year’s resolutions.
    Why make resolutions? Because you CAN be a better person. I bet you know somebody who seems to be perfect — somebody who always looks terrific; somebody who manages to devote plenty of time to both family and career; somebody whose house is spotless, whose children are well-behaved and whose dog does not smell as if it sleeps on a bed of decomposing raccoons.
    You wonder how that person “does it all,” don’t you? Well, stop wondering and do something! Start right now! Get up off the sofa, put on some active sportswear, and kill that person with a crowbar!
    No, seriously, you need to make some New Year’s resolutions so that you can become a better you — a more-attractive you; an organized you; a you that is … well, less like you.
    At this point you are saying: “Dave, I would love nothing better than to be less like myself, but every year I make the same New Year’s resolution, which is that I will lose weight, and currently my thighs are the diameter of the trans-Alaska pipeline.”
    Don’t feel bad! Many people have trouble sticking to their resolutions, and there is a simple scientific explanation for this. In 1987, a team of psychologists conducted a study in which they monitored the New Year’s resolutions of 275 people. After one week, the psychologists found that 92 percent of the people were keeping their resolutions; after two weeks, we have no idea what happened, because the psychologists had quit monitoring.
    “We just lost our motivation,” they reported. “Also, we found ourselves eating Twinkies by the case.”
    So we see that keeping resolutions can be difficult, but you CAN do it, if you follow these practical tips:
    Many people give up because they “set their sights too high.” In making a New Year’s resolution, pick a goal that you can reasonably expect to attain, as we see in these examples:
    Unrealistic Goal: “In the next month, I will lose 25 pounds.”
    Realistic Goal: “Over the next year, taking it an ounce or two at a time, I will gain 25 pounds, and my face will bloat like a military life raft.”
    Unrealistic Goal: “I will learn to speak Chinese.”
    Realistic Goal: “I will order some Chinese food.”
    Unrealistic Goal: “I will read a good book.”
    Realistic Goal: “I will examine the outsides of some good books, then waddle over to the part of the bookstore where they sell pastries.”
    Unrealistic Goal: “I will do volunteer work for a worthy cause.”
    Realistic Goal: “I will give myself a hearty scratching.”
    To succeed, you must believe in yourself. Write this motivational statement in large letters on a piece of paper and tape it someplace where you will see it often, such as on the inside of your eyeglasses: “I CAN do it, and I WILL do it! Starting next year!”
    Let’s say that, like millions of weight-conscious Americans, you think you eat sensibly: Your diet consists almost exclusively of mineral water and low-calorie, low-fat foods. And yet you’re still gaining weight. Why? I’ll tell you why: You’re drinking water with minerals in it. Minerals are among the heaviest substances in the universe, second only to guests on the Jerry Springer show. Think about it: The Appalachian mountains and most major appliances are essentially big wads of minerals, and you’re putting those things into your body. No wonder you’re gaining weight! FACT: The word “Perrier” is French for “balloon butt.”
    I have run out of room here, thank God, so let me say in closing that I wish you the best of luck with your 1998 resolutions, and I will do the best to keep my own resolution, which is to give you, every sin
    ative and accurate columns I possibly can. Starting next year.

  • Lisa says:

    Resolution Update:
    Put my feet in the Pacific Ocean – January 10, 2004
    Got a new computer – January 13, 2004

  • Lisa says:

    Got a job in a Las Vegas hotel (House of Blues in the Mandalay Bay) – 23 February 2004

  • Lisa says:

    Saw Reel Big Fish in concert – eXtremething, Desert Breeze Skate Park, Las Vegas – March 27, 2004

  • Lisa says:

    Got a new digital camera – 10 April 2004
    Ran the Neptune Festival 8K (5 miles) – 24 September 2004 (I walked some, but I finished it in 49:31.85!)
    I also saw Reel Big Fish in concert again at the beginning of the summer with my brother and Shaine. They played at Ramapo College with Streetlight Manifesto.

  • Lisa says:

    14 Nov 2004 — 10 New Friends
    Allison Bahr (my new roommate)
    Robbie Merlini (my other new roommate)
    Chris Garver
    Corinne Monacci (from work)
    Jennifer Yoder (from work)
    Megan McGuinness (from Woody’s)
    Kristie (Titties @ the Table)
    Rich (the chef from Woody’s)
    Chris Sandor (Mike’s roommate in Va. Beach)
    Jacky (from Vegas)
    I don’t necessarily still keep in touch with all of them, but they were definitely “new friends” at the time that I met them — meaning I hung out with each of them more than once — most more than three times. So, there we go. 10 new friends. =)

Leave a Reply